There are many reasons why a couple may lose the passion in their relationship. These can vary from a natural cooling, over time, as the honeymoon phase ends; to complacency; to something as extreme as an affair. Whatever the reason, it is certainly possible to recover that spark of intimacy if the following steps are followed:
1. Are You Both Committed?
Determine that both partners are committed to rediscovering their passion for one another. If only one partner is truly interested, the process is doomed to fail. It is really important to avoid a situation in which one partner is uninterested, but afraid or unwilling to say as much. If either partner resolves to just “go through the motions” without true commitment, the results will be compromised.
Start by choosing a convenient time for this conversation. Speak frankly about how much of a priority each of you views the relationship to be and honestly assess the level of motivation you both have to recover it.
2. How Did We Get Here?
In order to come up with a plan to rebuild the intimacy, it is necessary to have a shared understanding of what contributed to the lack of passion for each other. It would be a mistake to try and start having date nights for example, without first having an open and honest conversation to find out what has contributed to the distance and the lack of connection in your relationship. Both partners need to discuss any past resentments or other issues that they feel are contributing to the problem, and both need to share, listen, and truly understand each other’s perspective.
Professional help is available if the couple cannot handle this conversation alone. This can range from having difficulty expressing or understanding each other’s perspectives to difficulty in understanding what is the actual problem.
3. Quality Time Needed
If both of you are committed to rekindling the relationship and have an understanding of how you became distant, it is time to take more active steps to revitalize the relationship. In general, the beginning stages should allow the two of you to fall back “in like” which often does happen before falling back “in love.”
Quality time is more than just time spent together in the same space. Watching TV together, while pleasurable, doesn’t actively build intimacy and closeness. A good example of quality time can be sitting and talking with each other or going on a walk together. Try to remove any potential distractions.
Start slowly. For many couples, reacquainting themselves with one another can be intense, so even ten minutes at a time is a nice beginning for most couples.
It is really important not to rush or think that the intimacy can be recreated very quickly. If there’s been no spark and a lot of distance in the relationship for quite a while, it may be difficult to immediately jump into a lot of forced time spent together. It is generally much wiser to plan for less time together while ensuring one another’s comfort than to be overwhelmed with too much time together. If things are going well, you can always decide to be together for a longer time.
4. Schedule Regular Date Nights
Each partner should take turns choosing the activity on date nights so that both partners are comfortable and engage in preferred activities. It is also important to start slow with date nights. This includes the frequency of date nights and the amount of time spent together. Some couples are ready for weekly date nights at this stage, while others may need to begin with once a month.
5. Sex!? How Soon?
Once you have successfully recovered the ability to spend quality time with each other and can comfortably enjoy a night out with one another, it may be time to rekindle the physical passion of the relationship. It is usually important for most couples to first rebuild their connection and truly start to enjoy one another again before physical intimacy resumes. Ideally, this step will progress naturally, and, like the other steps, it is very important not to rush it.
Next Steps
Go ahead and give these steps a try. If either of you feels stuck at any step, or if you have trouble getting started after making an honest effort, it may be time to consider seeking professional help.