Together Alone

Are You With Me?

The rain outside the window seemed to underline the misery Kyle felt that Saturday. He’d hoped that maybe he could get Lissa to go to the park with him that day, just for an hour or two. Maybe watch the local kids playing Little League baseball. Or if she didn’t want to do that, maybe she’d like going to a movie in the evening. Instead she was on the phone to her friend Shavon before Kent even woke up, and when he tried to talk to her she just rolled her eyes and made a crack to her friend about how Kent was always bothering her. They never seemed to talk any more, never seemed to do anything together. Lissa never said anything nice about him, to his face or behind his back. And they never made love. It was like there was no intimacy left in their marriage. It was like living alone, only worse. At least alone no one despised you!

Life In The Wasteland

In a world where between 30% and 60% of all marriages end in divorce, Kent’s marriage isn’t unusual. There are so many unhappy marriages: marriages where the intimacy seems long gone, marriages that seem hopeless. But not all marriages have to end this way, with the partners either looking at divorce or decades trapped in loneliness. Learning to revive intimacy in marriage isn’t impossible. It does take courage, and it does take research. You must learn what resources your community can provide, and you and your spouse have to have the courage to work together to reach a happier ending. But it can be done.

You Must Be Kidding, Right?

It is hard to believe in the possibility of healing when you are in the bottom of the pit of despair. Unhappy marriages seem like hopeless wastes of time. But the potential is often there. With counseling and support, and plenty of courage and commitment, a dying ember of a marriage can reignite, the flames relighting intimacy in marriage, the light and heat reviving the spirit at the core of the relationship.

But Who Can Help?

If you have an unhappy marriage the best place to start is to find a professional therapist who has experience working with couples. In order to regain intimacy in marriage, it is necessary to become committed to the process even if you sense that your partner may not be 100% there.

It’s Not My Fault My Marriage Is Unhappy!

Maybe not. It takes two to achieve intimacy in marriage, and there’s no knowing where the partnership first gave way. Until you and your spouse are ready to begin the process of healing you can’t tell what small, unexpected actions can turn an unhappy marriage into a happy one.

The First Step Is The Hardest

It was months later that Kent finally realized he had to do something. He was so unhappy he went to a lawyer to discuss the possibility of divorce. But the lawyer, having heard him out, said, “Kent, I like to make money as much as the next guy. And I help a lot of people get a divorce. But I see a lot of people get divorces too soon, and I always feel bad when someone who seems to have everything needed for a great life just lets it go. I think you should try other things. If they don’t work you can always come back to me later.” He gave Kent the name of one of the best marriage counselors in the county. Kent and Lissa are still getting help. But they’re still together, and Kent hasn’t wanted to go back to the lawyer since then. Their marriage is no longer an unhappy marriage.

Don’t give up too soon. You can return the intimacy in marriage, and revive your union, if you both want to and find good help. Begin now! Not all lawyers are as honest and helpful as Kent’s!

 

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