I often see couples who, for one reason or another, have fallen out of love. They are hoping to fall back in love, under the magic spell of couple’s therapy, in order to return to the “high” they experienced at the start of their relationship. But how realistic is it for couples to fall back in love and bring back that spark? While it may not be realistic for all couples, for those willing to do the work, there are often ways to gradually fall back in love.
Step 1: Couples Need to Learn to “Like” Each Other Again
What does “liking” each other mean? It means starting over again from scratch and learning how to enjoy the presence of each other’s company. This is not necessarily easy. Both partners must be able to work at this together, with possibly one person needing to put in significantly more effort. They often need to learn how to communicate better and listen to one another. This is where therapy can be really helpful, especially if couples are struggling to communicate effectively on their own.
Step 2: Focus on Being Kind to One Another
Relationships are not just built on communication. They are rooted in foundations of mutual understanding and affection for one another, including kindness. Again, both partners must be willing to be kind to one another. Perhaps this is an area where one partner struggles. The other partner can coach them on efforts they can make. For instance:
- Providing a compliment.
- Being appreciative.
- Showing affection.
- Being thoughtful, such as bringing home flowers or leaving a kind note.
- Being present when talking to one another.
Step 3: Rediscover Shared Interests
Relationships often start over a mutual interest. This could be a sport, hobby, music, etc. You can begin to gradually incorporate activities that helped you become close in the first place. One reason that couples drift apart is because they no longer participate in these activities together. Make it a priority to have a regular “date night” where you can rediscover these mutual interests together.
Step 4: Prioritize Distraction-Free Time Together
When spending time together, make it a priority to turn off the screens and phones. These distractions only divert our attention away from our partners. They also send a message that says, “I don’t have your back” and “I’m not really connected to you.” In order to fall back in love, it’s necessary that couples create time where the only focus is on each other.
Step 5: Focus on the Little Things
Falling back in love doesn’t require big declarations of love! What really matters are the little things that couples can do to show their appreciation for each other. These don’t have to be gifts. Instead, focus on giving each other a compliment at least once a day, doing something thoughtful that the other partner will appreciate, or even sending a kind text message.
Step 6: Exercise Together
Exercising has a lot of benefits. Of course, it’s important for staying healthy, but it’s also one of those shared activities that you can experience together. Additionally, the chemicals released during exercise can have a positive effect on our mood, which also impacts your partner.
Hold Off on Sex until You’re Ready
Sometimes couples may too quickly “jump the gun,” thinking sexual intimacy will, by itself, magically solve everything. However, you should hold off on re-establishing your sex life. At least until you’ve reached a point where you “like” each other again.
These steps can help couples that have drifted apart rediscover connection, and, hopefully, love again. If couples are still feeling stuck, attending couples counseling is highly recommended. If you both are willing to commit to making a consistent effort, you can once again find the spark that originally brought you together.