Entering into a serious and committed relationship is not something to be taken lightly. It’s important to examine why exactly you’re seeking an intimate commitment, and make sure you’re ready for this life change. Consider whether any of the following “red flag” situations might apply to you. Let them serve as a warning that you might not be ready to proceed and would benefit from working out any issues beforehand. If you are already in the midst of a committed relationship and any of the following warning signs apply to you, it’s in your best interest to not ignore them.
- Reason #1: Desperation. If you want to be in a relationship simply to avoid being single, you run a very high risk of making a poor choice in a partner. When you are operating in a desperate state, it’s not the right time to make a clear-headed decision about your future.
- Reason #2: You’re not necessarily desperate, but you have a sense that you’ll “only be happy when you meet Mr./Ms. Right.” This is another unhealthy scenario, as it represents a lack of feeling complete and at peace with yourself as an individual or single person.
- Reason #3: Repeated relationship failures without working through the reasons why they failed. The lack of successful relationships, especially if similar relationship dynamics recur with multiple partners, is a sign that you really need to understand the issue and yourself, before moving forward or embarking on another relationship.
- Reason #4: Negative childhood history or dysfunctional family background. As mentioned in one of my posts last month, Did You Mary Your Parent, if we have/had a painful relationship with a parent, we often end up re-experiencing this painful dynamic again in an intimate partner, as a desire to try to correct or master the situation. Often this means unconsciously seeking out a partner with traits similar to the parent and reenacting the past for the purpose of working through it. Recreating a dysfunctional relationship of this type is also unhealthy.
- Reason #5: You’re searching for someone to save you. Looking for “your savior” is possibly a component of reasons #2 and #4 above, and another sign you aren’t ready for a lasting adult relationship.
- Reason #6: You’re not over your ex, or on the rebound, without working through the pain and reaching closure.
- Reason #7: If you’re obsessively pursing a relationship, “doing what you think is the right way to meet someone,” but not enjoying the process, it’s time to step back. The courtship dance should not feel like work, but pleasure.
- Reason #8: Ignoring significant feelings of uncertainty about your potential mate. If you’re dating someone and find yourself hesitating about commitment, listen to your gut. To quote Dr. Maya Angelou, “If someone shows you who they are, believe them.”
- Reason #9: Trust issues. Perhaps related to #3 or #4 above, an unfaithful partner in the past, or even witnessing one parent’s infidelity in childhood, may have created feelings of limited trust that need to be worked through before entering a new relationship.
- Reason #10: Dealing with pressing life situations that interfere with your emotional energy (stressful job, school, illness). Resolving the crisis or time/energy drain is a necessary first step, freeing space for a relationship to develop and become a priority.
- Reason #11: If you’re an “accommodator,” or someone who’s there to please the other person without knowing what you want, it could be a red flag. Similar to desperation in #1, this situation will likely result in poor partner decisions.
- Reason #12: Feeling driven to have children — with the biological clock ticking — can result in settling for an unsuitable or unsatisfactory partnership.
Once you’ve worked through any personal issues that might prevent you from obtaining a lasting and healthy relationship, take off the “rose-colored glasses” and be aware of the compatible/incompatible signs of potential mates.
Putting out positive energy is the key to attracting suitable partners. Set the intention in motion by learning to be truly happy and content where you are as an individual. It’s okay to want more and positive vibes can help manifest that. Relationships can happen when you’re not looking, and the best ones will complement — not complete — you.