Practically every new couple that comes into my office has a need to communicate in some way. Most couples who need help have trouble resolving the conflict. Also, from my experience, they’re almost always at least one partner who is struggling to manage their emotions. This makes it difficult for partners to resolve their differences. However, it is possible for these individuals to improve their emotional management by following these six steps.
1. Accept Your Emotions
Identify what you are feeling and both in your mind and your body. It helps to ground this experience if you can locate where it is in your body you are feeling the emotion. For example, feeling anxious could manifest tension in your shoulders.
2. Label the Emotion
Next, try to be able to say what the emotion is. Most people who struggle with their emotions often have difficulty expressing what they are feeling.
3. Don’t Resist
Often, when we have negative emotions the knee-jerk reaction is to push them away. However, that would be a mistake. It only causes more stress and the emotion will only come to the surface anyway. Instead, give yourself permission to feel the emotion.
4. Allow that This Will Pass
When you feel tough emotions it may seem as if they will never go away. It can help to remember that difficult emotions will pass. It is impossible to be angry forever.
5. Understand Why
Be a detective. Ask yourself what is really contributing to the emotions you are feeling. Are these external factors or internal ones?
6. Don’t Control It
Avoid trying to control the emotions. This will only cause more problems than it solves. Instead, practice acceptance, and learn to be OK with yourself feeling those feelings.
What to Do When You’re Too Angry
One important thing to consider with controlling anger is identifying when you are too upset to continue the conversation. Dr. John Gottman’s research has shown that when your heart rate is at or above 100 beats per minute, you are not open to your partner’s perspective. This makes it harder to have a meaningful dialogue and resolve differences. In which case, both of you are wasting time and the effort is counter-productive.
So, the question becomes, “What do you do when you are angry and having a conversation with your partner?” Consider these ideas:
- Identify and rate on a scale of 1-100 how angry you are. When you get used to rating your anger level it becomes easier to track. This means you can start de-escalating yourself sooner.
- Honestly assess if you are too upset to continue the conversation. Note that if you are attempting to prove that you are right and your partner is wrong, you are probably angry.
- If you are too upset to continue to take a break from the conversation.
- You need to communicate with your partner when in the near future you should both renew the conversation. This should be when you are calm again. It’s important to do this so that your partner doesn’t feel stonewalled.
- It’s really important that the person who reschedules the discussion is the one who follows up. Initiate the conversation at an agreed-upon time. If you feel your partner is too upset and emotionally unaware, one helpful tip is to take ownership for the both of you. For example, slow down anger by stating, “I think we are both too upset right now.”
Problems with anger can prevent couples from having a meaningful relationship. If you or your partner still struggle with anger and its effects on your relationship, it is important to address it. Try participating in individual relationship counseling to improve the situation.