Typically, divorces, breakups, and almost all relationship endings are associated with intense emotion. Anger, sadness, grief, and pain tend to dominate the emotions of those who suffer a relationship breakup. Time often helps heal these emotional wounds.
But what comes next?
Consider these thoughts about what happens after a breakup and how to take inventory of your relationship.
Taking Two Different Paths
“What happens next?” can be a difficult question to answer and it largely depends upon our past experiences and our personality. There are two common paths that are often followed. Those who are already prone to depression are likely to take a “what’s wrong with me” path. This is because they already struggle with negative self-talk, wonder if they are loveable, and feel that “nobody likes me.” They basically blame themselves and see themselves as a failure.
Also, another common path can be summed up as the “look what’s wrong with them” path. This path involves seeing your ex in the most negative light possible and placing all the blame on them for what happened. It’s usually because of anger and bitterness towards your ex that this occurs. Sadly, this stance doesn’t help you understand yourself or recognize what took place in the relationship. Moreover, it doesn’t help you to avoid repeating future relationship mistakes.
Unfortunately, neither of the two paths outlined above are healthy ones. There is, however, another path that you can take that doesn’t involve beating yourself up. Also, it does not needlessly eviscerate your ex. This includes thoughtful reflection of the relationship in its entirety.
Taking Inventory of Your Relationships
After any major life event, including a breakup, it’s important and healthy to reflect. Follow these seven steps to take inventory of your previous relationship:
1. What drew you and your partner together in the first place? Personality, humor, physical attraction, etc.?
2. In what ways were you compatible and incompatible? What worked for the two of you and what issues were problematic? Were you able to resolve those problem areas with your partner, or were they left unaddressed?
3. How skilled or proficient were each of you in resolving relationship problems and conflict? Were you able to communicate in healthy ways and express true concerns? Or, not at all?
4. Did one or both of you struggle to stay cool during arguments or disagreements? Did either of you reach a point where you became too heated and overwhelmed to process information and communicate effectively? When flooded with emotion, the “fight or flight” part of the brain kicks in. If that happened, did you ever:
- take a break and reschedule the discussion?
- use mindfulness practices?
- learn how to self-soothe and cool down?
5. Did you consider the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” in regards to your relationship? These include Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, & Stonewalling. How, if at all, were these a factor in your prior relationships? Did you take any steps to address them and heal the relationship?
6. What common issues have emerged from your prior relationships? How often have there been tendencies or behaviors that repeat themselves? Did you choose a partner that was very different from the last one?
7. Have you had any challenges or traumatic childhood experiences that have interfered with how you chose or connected to a partner? Could those issues be connected to why this most recent relationship ended too?
To be sure, the end of any relationship can be a difficult time for anybody.
For most, time and distance allow for healing. For some though, there are real struggles to find clarity and understanding.
Finally, true reflection can make a big difference. Not only can it help you find closure, but it is invaluable when applying past lessons to current or future relationships. If you’re struggling to learn or apply relationship lessons, be sure to seek out singles counseling with a skilled therapist in your area for help.