Conflict in relationships is inevitable. However, some couples mistakenly conclude that a lack of arguments is a sign of a healthy relationship. Unfortunately, avoiding conflict is a temporary strategy that ultimately only causes more problems. Some sidestep conflict because they have zero confidence that having a disagreement won’t lead to things getting worse.
The truth is that healthy couples do have disagreements from time to time. Researchers have determined that healthy couples argue about the same things as unhealthy couples. In recent research, issues such as money, children, in-laws, and intimacy were the most common topics that people argued about.
So, what’s the difference? It’s the way that healthy couples argue that makes them different from their counterparts.
Building Resilience
Leading author and researcher Amy Rauer said it well:
“Happy couples tend to take a solution-oriented approach to conflict. This is clear by the topics they wish to discuss.”
What does this mean? Happy couples tend to focus on topics that lead to clear solutions or compromise. They talked less about topics that had no simple or easy solution in sight.
Then should happy and healthy couples just ignore more challenging or perpetual issues? Of course, not. Couples can build up the confidence to tackle much more difficult issues after successfully tackling more easily solvable problems. Once these issues have been resolved they can move on to solving more difficult problems.
Choosing Your Battles
In the research, couples refused to solve problems that were related to either health or intimacy. According to Rauer, “Since these issues tend to be more difficult to resolve, they are more likely to lead to less marital happiness or the dissolution of the relationship, especially if the couples have not banked up any previous successes solving other marital issues.”
The bottom line is that couples may want to choose which disagreements to discuss with caution. As noted before, it’s not helpful to ignore difficult relationship issues. I recommend that couples carefully bring up such issues, especially if they have not yet built up the confidence to deal with them effectively.
Productive vs. Destructive Arguments
Another way to manage conflict, in general, is to ask whether it’s productive or destructive. A conflict can be productive if it resolves or, at least, improves the issue for the couple. Productive conversations usually involve gaining an understanding of one another’s perspectives.
In contrast, destructive conflict only serves to divide couples and enflames existing problems. It almost always involves defensiveness, attacking behavior, and criticism.
A Simple Reminder
One simple phrase that can be useful for couples? Early in a conflict, remind each other, “we’re on the same team.”
These words can remind couples that, despite their differences, their relationship is bigger and more important than any single issue. This can help couples get off an unhealthy or destructive path and avoid more division in their relationship.
Communication Tips for Couples
Some communication tips for couples to consider include:
- Try to tackle the solvable problems first when there is a clear solution or compromise.
- Be sure to avoid having a righteous stance where “I’m right, you’re wrong” is at play in a discussion. This only leads to destructive fighting.
- Control your own emotions, especially anger and irritability. If you are aware that you’re too upset to discuss productively, take a break. Then, resume the discussion when calm again.
- Reassure your partner ‘you’re both on the same team’ as needed.
- Maintain a respectful and curious stance with your partner. Try to be sincerely curious and interested in your partner’s perspective.
- If, after trying these above tips you are still having problems, it’s best to reach out to a skilled couples counselor for more support.
Conflict is inevitable in any relationship. However, there are many steps couples can take to prevent damage to their relationship. Starting with solvable problems first helps build the confidence necessary to take on tougher issues. Also, if partners remind each other that they are both on the same team it is a very useful way to ensure a more productive mindset. Still, for serious disagreements, it’s a good idea to seek out couples counseling.