It’s human nature. At some point, most people take for granted the positive things in their lives when they’ve had them for a while. Relationships are no different. With the exception of new relationships, we inevitably take for granted our spouse or partner.
Worse though, is when some people not only stop appreciating their partner but focus only on their negative or less than perfect qualities. This, unfortunately, is a relatively common dynamic with the couples I see. One person will typically complain that their partner only points out “what I do wrong” or “what I can do better,” and that everything they say is so critical.
Interestingly, at the start of relationships, we tend to do the opposite. We often ignore negative qualities in a prospective partner and mainly focus on all the positive ones. This is especially true when we are in limerence or the infatuation phase of a relationship.
Still, over time, all relationships go through relationship phases. Thus, it can be challenging to stay emotionally connected to your partner. During a phase when you’re feeling more distant from your partner, you are more likely to naturally be aware of (and point out) mistakes and shortcomings. This obviously increases the chances of more tension, conflict, and frustration in the relationship.
Steps to Cultivate a Culture of Appreciation
1. Look Inward
When trying to cultivate a culture of appreciation, it’s important to differentiate between external appreciation, when we verbalize our gratitude and those that happen internally. While some partners have an appreciative inner focus for their partner but struggle to express it, others battle a negative internal focus.
In other words, some people can feel appreciative of their partner and actually never share it. Others, though, are more negatively focused internally and end up expressing that negativity all the time.
When we’re critical of others we tend to be self-critical as well. So, an important challenge is to start developing an appreciation for our own positive qualities, without overly focusing on those qualities we’re less than happy with.
2. Strengthen Self-Awareness
The ability to connect with your own thoughts and feelings as they are happening is an invaluable skill. It benefits us in all types of relationships.
For example, let’s say you had a poor night’s sleep or something went wrong at work. You’re frustrated or in a negative mood. Then, you must interact with your partner who, rushing out the door, didn’t have time to clean up after themselves. How do you react?
- If you are not self-aware and connected to your emotions, you are much more likely to snap at your partner or make a critical comment.
- If you are self-aware and connected to your emotions, you are likely to recognize that you don’t feel well and don’t really want to start a fight. You’ll either say nothing or offer something supportive as your partner hurries off.
The point is, the self-aware partner is in a much better position. Self-awareness is a foundational part of maintaining healthy interactions in relationships.
3. Start a Gratitude Journal
The whole purpose of a gratitude journal is to train your brain to focus on the positives of your life and appreciate those positive elements. The aim is not to simply come up with lists of qualities you like/appreciate, but to actually shift your focus so that you’re no longer overlooking the positives in your life.
The same holds true in your relationship with your partner. If you start a journal that focuses on the great and small things you admire, appreciate, and like about your partner, that’s the first step. Try to do this before bed or at a consistent time each day. Like most people, you’ll find that after a few week’s worth of consistent entries, you’ll start to notice everything you like about your partner.
4. Verbalize What You Notice
If you’ve made progress and are simply more aware of your partner’s positive qualities, that’s a big accomplishment. However, the next step is to verbalize them consistently. If you truly appreciate something about them, what they accomplish, or what they do, nothing is too small to verbalize. This includes little everyday gestures like cooking, cleaning, laundry, parenting, etc. You might also notice aloud that you like their smile or outfit too.
Guess what? It feels good to be appreciated. Doing so will only strengthen your relationship. The other benefit is that showing appreciation toward your partner is contagious and often leads to a great deal of goodwill and reciprocation.
Finally, If after trying the above steps you’re still struggling with either identifying or communicating appreciation to and for your partner, it’s time to try couples counseling.