Problems in relationships can take many forms. Sometimes partners avoid confrontation with the belief that conflict only causes more problems.
Although this avoidance strategy is not particularly helpful and can lead to significant problems if not corrected, it’s also not a completely destructive problem that can’t be corrected. Clearly, this type of couple needs to acquire the tools to communicate more effectively.
However, there is one dysfunctional relationship dynamic where many couples do end up entangled in a very unhealthy pattern. What is this pattern, you ask?
An especially unhealthy relationship dynamic is the “pursuer-distancer” pattern.
How Most Pursuer-Distancer Relationships End Up
Mavis Hetherington researched this pursuer-distancer pattern using 1,400 couples. The results found that couples who exhibited a pursuer-distancer dynamic had the highest rates of divorce in the study sample. Dr. John Gottman agreed that this relationship dynamic leads to breakups and can even cause damage to future relationships for both partners.
The Role of the Pursuer
So what is this pattern?
First, the pursuer is keenly focused on their partner, attempting to fix every problem in their relationship as soon as possible. They often experience anxiety about any level of distance from their partner and tend to be easily insulted by any steps their partner takes to create further distance between them.
The pursuer, feeling that any distancing on the part of the other partner is an affront, will inevitably feel abandoned. They will likely criticize their partner for not being emotionally available. This can be seen as being emotionally needy.
How the Distancer Responds
The distancer responds to conflict by, you guessed it, moving away from their pursuer partner. Distancers typically struggle with vulnerability and confrontation. This is often seen by their pursuer counterpart as being avoidant or shut down.
The Key Problem
It should be clearer now how this pursuer-distancer dynamic can be especially unhealthy. Dr. Harriet Learner points out that these roles by themselves, are not necessarily a problem. Partners often adjust to different styles to make the relationship work.
The problem occurs when partners become entrenched in their roles. That’s when the dynamic becomes an especially unhealthy one. Learner points out that both partners end up criticizing one another and develop mutual contempt over time. This contempt, as Dr. Gottman points out, tends to spell the beginning of the end of most relationships.
However, there are things that couples can do to change this unhealthy relationship dynamic.
Steps for Avoiding the Pursuer-Distancer Dynamic
- Take an honest look at the dynamic in your relationship. Which role do you typically take on when there is an argument or conflict?
- If you are the pursuer, your tendency will be to try to fix the problem ASAP. However, the goal should be to adapt and find productive ways to engage with your partner. Try a gentler approach that starts with understanding your partner’s position before diving into the nuts-and-bolts of the problem.
- If, at the first sign of stress or conflict, you often observe yourself acting as the distancer, your first challenge is to discover what you are actually avoiding. Honestly assess whether part of your fear is being controlled by someone else. Begin to recognize how distancing yourself may, in fact, avoid the conflict, but doesn’t actually solve any problems. Also, as Dr. Learner points out, be aware that distancers have to be careful since pursers tend to end relationships without warning if they feel pushed to the limit. Be open to having a discussion about the relationship with your partner.
- Take some small steps in breaking-free of the pursuer-distancer roles.
- If these above steps are not making a noticeable difference in escaping from this unhealthy relationship dynamic, it’s important that both of you seek out individual or couples counseling to get help.
It’s easy to see that, left unaddressed, the pursuer-distancer dynamic can cause real damage to a relationship. However, by doing some self-reflection, changing certain behaviors, and attending couples counseling, it’s possible to change this unhealthy relationship pattern.