There are an endless amount of jokes about how sex ends after marriage, or really any relationship that continues beyond the honeymoon phase. Despite these jokes, they actually do reflect some degree of truth for many relationships. Any relationship that has very little to no sex-life can really struggle. This is known as a sexless relationship.
A sexless relationship doesn’t mean zero sexual encounters, but it is typically considered sexless if sex occurs 6 or less times per year. This can cause a relationship to really suffer. Even if both partners are on the same page with having a sexless relationship, one partner may still have more of a desire to have sex than the other. This mismatched libido creates distance in a relationship. It becomes most problematic when one partner has a very high sex drive and the other partner has almost no interest in being sexually intimate.
Research into Mismatched Libidos
Recent research in Britain revealed that 15% of men and 34% of women are lacking interest in sex. You can tell by looking at those numbers that almost half of heterosexual couples in Britain will have at least one partner who is lacking any interest in sex. One partner’s lack of interest in sex typically contributes to the other partner to feeling hurt, insecure, and rejected. The partner lacking interest often feels guilty in denying their partner an active sex life.
In my experience, the partner without much libido will frequently move away or distance themselves from any kind of intimacy whatsoever. They end up fearing that any physical or even emotional closeness will lead to their partner’s sexual initiation. When this libido mismatch occurs the relationship’s sexual torch will frequently die out.
The study shows that this low libido usually has nothing to do with the lack of physical attraction. Researchers point to physical and mental health issues as the most common reasons for their lack of interest in sex.
Physical health problems often lead to an absence of desire if, for example, a partner feels overweight and/or out of shape. That typically goes hand-in-hand with a lack of interest in sex. Mental health issues are another common culprit. One hallmark of clinical depression is having no or very low libido. Other medical health issues can also influence libido. If you are anxious and stressed, the last thing on your mind is being sexual.
Tips to Cope with Libido Mismatch
1. Avoid the “Nagging Trap”:
This occurs when the partner who is interested in sex repeatedly nags the other partner about their lacking sex life. This obviously only perpetuates the cycle. The interested partner also needs to avoid aggressively pursuing a sexual encounter.
The most effective approach is to sincerely try to understand what is going on with their partner. Try to be more curious to understand what it is that is contributing to their partner’s lack of desire. Explore how you can help address these issues.
2. Attend to Physical Health:
I’ve had many clients talk about their lack of sexual desire resulting from a medical condition or simply being overweight. If everything else has been ruled out, it’s probably a good idea to get your hormones checked for potential problems.
3. Attend to Mental Health:
Depression is a huge reason why men and women lack sexual desire. It’s also almost impossible to be sexually turned when you’re very anxious or stressed. Be honest with yourself and get the treatment you need. Consider both individual therapy and medication if necessary.
4. Foster Intimacy
If everything above has been addressed, couples can get back on track by slowly reintroducing intimacy. You can start by spending time together without being sexual. Then, start to include more non-sexual touching (holding hands, etc.). Afterward, begin to explore sexual touch that doesn’t involve intercourse.
5. Prioritize
When there are no problems or relationship issues but couples are still experiencing a sexless relationship, the solution is to start making your sex life a priority. Consider scheduling times together for intimacy. For the partner not interested in sex, this can help shift their mindset and prepare them in advance for a scheduled sexual encounter.
If you have tried the above ideas and are still struggling with a libido mismatch, consider seeking couples therapy. Remember that having a healthy sex life is an important part of ensuring you remain both physically and emotionally close.