In the Gottmans’ four decades of research on relationships, they have labeled couples as either “Masters” or “Disasters.” Masters are couples who have stayed happy after six years or more of marriage. Disasters, on the other hand, are exactly as the term implies. These refer to relationships that have either already ended or are relationships where each partner is very unhappy.
Interestingly, the Gottmans can predict with a 94% accuracy whether a couple will stay together or divorce. They looked at different signs that indicate whether a relationship is struggling, which they called the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. These include Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling.
The Four Horsemen and Relationships
The Four Horsemen are indicators that a relationship could be headed for disaster. It’s very hard to imagine any kind of successful relationship existing when these behaviors are consistently present. However, it’s important to point out that even healthy relationships engage in these behaviors occasionally. After all, no one is perfect and everybody makes mistakes, even relationship Masters.
Yet, there’s a caveat. Masters are able to fix the problem before it becomes something bigger that poses a greater risk to the relationship. Identifying these relationship skills can help anyone who is struggling with improving the quality of their relationship.
Skills of Relationship Masters
Consider these important skills of couples who are relationship Masters:
1. Relationship “Masters” are skilled at making relationship repair attempts in timely ways.
As Julie Gottman has said, “Happy couples make repairs after they criticize (their partner) and say, ‘I said that really badly, let me say that again in a different way.” Acknowledging that they made a mistake and choosing a different way to frame their words can mean a great deal to their partner.
2. Couples who are relationship “Masters” tend to be tuned into their partner’s emotional state.
They will often, of their own accord, check in with their partner in a timely way. And if one partner asks to discuss a problem, the other will pause what they are doing and listen. The absence of doing this doesn’t bode well. Rather, unhappy couples will sometimes say, “Stay clear of me,” or “figure it out on your own and then talk to me when you feel better.” This illustrates not only the lack of emotional connection but implies that their partner doesn’t really care about their problem
3. Healthy couples do a good job of focusing on what each partner is doing right versus what they are doing wrong.
After all, nobody likes hearing about their mistakes all the time. There has to be a balance between the positive and what needs work. These couples also find ways to express gratitude to each other.
4. Masters in relationships support their partners’ hopes and dreams.
They ask about them and are genuinely interested in learning more about them. Masters also engage their partners with sincere curiosity and interest. This, in turn, allows the other partner to feel safe expressing what they truly feel. If a couple doesn’t have emotional safety, then it is very difficult to trust and be vulnerable with one another.
5. Healthy couples make a habit of interacting with compassion and kindness.
These can be little moments that occur every day. Of course, it’s not always possible to do this 100% of the time, but they do it a majority of the time. These moments will strengthen any relationship.
If you’re finding that you’re not engaging in one or more of the above behaviors, try to make the appropriate changes needed to become a relationship “Master.” However, if after making this attempt you still feel stuck, it’s important to reach out for couples counseling and additional support.