We’re creeping up on one year into the pandemic. It should not surprise you that people are feeling very isolated these days. Most people are likely separated from most family and friends, which can breed loneliness. However, it may surprise you that people who are in committed relationships sometimes experience loneliness too. In fact, an AARP survey shows that 31% of married people are lonely!
Alone vs. Lonely
Some may wonder how almost 1/3rd of married people are lonely when they have someone living right next to them. It’s a misconception that having someone physically close to you somehow prevents loneliness. Being alone has to do with physical proximity to other people, while loneliness involves one’s psychological and emotional state.
Loneliness is a feeling that reflects a lack of emotional closeness. In theory, you can spend a lot of time with someone, but still feel emotionally disconnected. It’s this gap between the two that defines loneliness.
What Contributes to Loneliness in a Relationship
Here are four potential causes of loneliness in relationships:
1. A lack of connection between partners. Many factors can contribute to being emotionally out-of-sync with your partner. However, it is often connected to partners who are simply not putting in the effort to connect at all. This inevitably leads to communication problems and, usually, an unsatisfying sex life.
2. Your relationship hits a lull. All relationships experience peaks and valleys over time. However, during these downturns, partners stop putting in the effort to communicate with one another or make room for quality time together.
3. Recent stress can contribute to loneliness in a relationship. Parenting stress, work stress, and loss of a close friend or family member are all possible factors that can contribute.
4. Limited social support outside of the relationship. If both partners have little or no social support, what happens when there is a dip in emotional closeness? You guessed it. It leads to loneliness. Therefore, having a strong social network can help prevent you from feeling lonely despite the emotional distance in your relationship.
The Effects of the Pandemic
One of the issues with the pandemic is that our social outlets have shrunk significantly. This means that your reliance on your partner for social support has increased. However, relying on your partner for all of your emotional needs does actually increase the risk of loneliness.
Some pre-pandemic research showed a trend in which heterosexual couples were relying on each other more for social connection. The pandemic only accelerated that process. Therefore, loneliness is not just an issue for singles, but couples as well.
5 Ways to Cope with Loneliness
The good news? If you are feeling lonely, you can take steps to improve and change the situation. Here are some ways to cope:
1. Start communicating with each other. Be honest with one another and express your feelings. Stay away from criticism and the “blame game.”
2. Be curious and ask each other questions to understand your individual feelings and perspectives. What has changed that contributes to the lonely state that one or both of you is experiencing?
3. Be patient with one another. The loneliness likely didn’t suddenly occur overnight. Therefore, it also will take time to improve emotional intimacy with your partner.
4. Decide together on an action plan to rebuild a sense of connection with one another. Try having each partner responsible for planning one activity together per week that can increase connection.
5. Know when outside help is needed. If you have tried the previous steps without much progress, don’t hesitate to ask for help. Seek support from a therapist skilled in couples counseling.
The pandemic didn’t start the trend of loneliness in relationships. However, limited options for in-person socialization did make the problem worse. To counter this problem, couples need to proactively take steps towards rediscovering emotional intimacy with one another. This often should include couples therapy.