There are a few compelling reasons why most people more easily attack their partner instead of expressing their own needs and desires in a healthy way. One of the primary reasons is that it’s far easier to naturally share what we don’t like and what’s not working for us than to express what we do want (our desires and wishes).
A psychologist, Stan Tatkin, has even implied that we are more wired for conflict than for love. Tatkin, who is the founder of the psychobiological approach to couples counseling, focuses on attachment theory in his treatment. He also utilizes neuroscience and emotional arousal in relationship counseling. What that means is his approach, called PACT, is a focus on brain chemistry and emotions during conflict.
“You Never Pay Attention to Me”
It’s far easier for one partner to say “You never give me any attention. You always ignore me,” versus “I wish you would check in with me on occasion and ask how I’m doing.” The former sentence is an attack, which can escalate into conflict quickly. The second sentence expresses a wish or desire.
Unfortunately, expressing that need is much harder to communicate than simply sharing what’s not working for you. It requires a level of vulnerability to express what we want and desire in a relationship. The statement is also an admission that we are not getting our needs met.
An attacking posture often occurs almost reflexively when we are frustrated. However, even when we are in a relatively calm or relaxed place many of us are conflict-avoidant and prefer to avoid any potential for disagreement. When we are emotionally attuned to ourselves and fully aware and present, it becomes easier to express our needs and desires to others in healthy and productive ways. Unfortunately, in addition to conflict-avoidant tendencies, many struggles becoming emotionally self-aware. As a result, relationships suffer from the absence of these productive conversations with their partner.
The Courageousness of Vulnerability
The famous researcher Brené Brown has made a career out of how courageous it is to be vulnerable. She points out that how critical it is to be vulnerable at different points in our life. The same holds true for relationships. In order to be completely satisfied, we must be vulnerable at times in our relationships. We must show our partners the road map of our desires, wishes, needs, and dreams. To expect our partner to be a mind-reader is a recipe for dissatisfaction and disconnection.
Brené Brown said it best:
“Our willingness to own and engage with our vulnerability determines the depth of our courage.”
Tips to Help Express Your Needs in a Healthy Way
1. Identify which needs are not getting met in your relationship. Think of it in terms of what you wish to be different versus what you don’t like or want. In other words, focus on what you’d like versus what isn’t working for you.
2. Utilize a soft-startup approach in which you utilize an “I feel” statement. Do this after first ensuring that this is a good time to discuss relationship issues with your partner. If it isn’t, agree to a time that works for both of you in the near future.
3. “I would love it if XYZ.” This wording is one that I frequently share with couples. It conveys a need/desire to your partner in a positive way. Try this instead of, “You never help me prepare dinner for the family,” which is not nearly as helpful as saying “I would love it if you cooked dinner 1-2 nights a week. It would relieve a lot of stress for me.”
4. If you are stuck or unable to express your desires and needs, reach out for help. Get in touch with a therapist for couples counseling and/or individual counseling.
For every criticism, there is an unfulfilled need or wish that could positively impact the health of your relationship. Make every possible effort to refrain from attacking your partner. Instead, focus on expressing those unmet needs or desires.