In my work, I see dozens of couples each year. A majority of those couples have struggled to stay calm during conflictual interactions. When the intensity level gets too high, these couples automatically lose the ability to have a productive conversation with one another.
What Happens When We Fail to Lower the Intensity?
When we get too worked up or heated we automatically respond with a fight or flight response. Humans are wired this way for good reason. These responses are in fact very adaptive when facing danger, such as accidentally coming face to face with a mountain lion on a hike. Yet, these responses are a major hindrance when we are trying to have a productive conversation with our partner or spouse. Once our heart rate reaches 100 beats per minute or higher, we are filled with adrenaline.
Fortunately, we have the ability to prevent ourselves from going into fight or flight mode. We are in fact capable of learning how to manage our emotions even when discussing sensitive and important topics in our relationship.
How Can We Keep the Intensity Under Control?
Consider these tips to lower the intensity of a discussion:
1. Use breathing techniques the next time you begin to notice your intensity rising when in an argument. Simply being mindful of inhaling and exhaling can be very beneficial. This is because focusing on our breath helps to slow us down. Other mindfulness techniques can help as well.
2. Get moving! Moving around, stretching, or even going for a short walk can help ground us and help us feel more firmly in our bodies. This is called anchoring. It helps with lowering the level of emotional intensity that we feel. Also, moving is not just helpful when we feel angry. It can also be beneficial when we feel anxious. In fact, simply moving your hands together can help too.
3. Label your emotions. Research shows that labeling our emotions can really help us create some distance from them. For example, you could say to yourself, “I am feeling angry right now because I feel attacked for how I spend my free time.” Labeling helps us not get as emotionally caught up and create some psychological distance from an experience. This can really help lower the intensity level between you and your partner.
4. If the above 3 tips are not effective, try taking a break or time-out. Taking a break allows us to regroup and calm down. This helps to lower the intensity level. The important rule of thumb when taking a break is to reschedule the discussion. Pick a time to revisit the issue with your partner.
Scheduling a time to revisit the topic prevents the chance that you or your partner will put off the conversation. Perhaps even more importantly, you will dramatically reduce the chance that your partner felt stonewalled when you called for a break.
5. If you and your partner still feel stuck after all trying all four of the steps above, there’s one more important step to try. The next step is to pursue individual and/or couples counseling. Getting professional help can make a huge difference.
Most couples are not born knowing how to effectively communicate and resolve conflict. Also, it can prevent both of you from stonewalling or letting the conversation end without a resolution. If this happens, one or both of you could hold resentments that further damage the relationship.
You don’t have to let arguments between you and your partner get out of control. By practicing these simple steps, you can both learn how to lower the intensity of these discussions. However, if you find you continue to struggle, don’t be afraid to seek out professional help. A skilled therapist can work with you and your partner to help resolve your issues and teach you to communicate more effectively. Reach out for ouples counseling and support.