Research indicates that the positive feelings associated with being in a new relationship, during what’s known as the “Honeymoon Phase,” lasts between 18 months and 3 years. After the initial honeymoon phase fades, many couples begin to wonder if the relationship can survive for the long haul. They often need to overcome many hurdles to do so. The current pandemic is an excellent example. Some couples have broken up during the pandemic, while others decided to stick with it.
The pandemic also exacerbated existing relationship issues. Couples who are not skilled at successfully dialoguing about their differences will almost certainly struggle. However, those that seek or maintain an emotional connection and are not threatened by existing differences of opinion are much more likely to resolve disagreements. Consider the following 7 long-term relationship survival tips for couples:
1. Learn to Navigate Conflict
Long-term relationships go through many changes, ups & downs, and cycles of both connection and disconnection. However, couples who are able to survive the low points in their relationship do so by navigating their differences skillfully. That can mean partners are able to at least some of the time, “agree to disagree.”
Other times, they are able to employ the art of compromise, a critical skill for couples. The Gottmans refer to being able to understand your partner’s feelings as “accepting influence.” It’s important to note that men struggle more with accepting influence from their partners than do women.
2. Complain Without Blame
Navigating conflict skillfully means communicating your needs in a manner where they can be heard by your partner. However, attacking or criticizing your partner will only yield a defensive response from them. Behind every misguided attack, blame or criticism is a hidden need, wish, or desire that is often left unexpressed. It takes practice, but learning to transform attacks into healthy expressions of needs is critical for relationship satisfaction.
3. Tolerance for Differences
Finding a compromise is great, but Gottman’s research indicates that the clear majority of what couples argue about are perpetual problems that never completely go away. Learning to manage ongoing differences so that each partner accepts a less than ideal solution doesn’t happen easily. Keep in mind that managing and tolerating an ongoing problem in your relationship that isn’t completely resolved is truly important. Many healthy couples are able to do so.
4. Ritual of Connection
Long-term relationships are ultimately sustained by having a strong emotional connection with one another. Couples can cultivate this connection with one another through finding the right rituals of connection. One very specific and beneficial ritual is for couples to spend 10-15 minutes each day focusing on one another. This ritual helps deepen your understanding of your partner’s inner world. Other helpful rituals include going on regular walks together or engaging in a hobby or activity together.
5. Sex and Compatibility
Although it is not the only way to feel emotionally connected to one another, a healthy sex life can help an otherwise struggling relationship generate a greater emotional connection. Sex doesn’t make the problems go away. However, having a healthy sex life can buffer a relationship from bottoming out. Alternatively, coping with a relationship problem with little to no sexual intimacy doesn’t doom it. But it does put pressure on other ways for couples to connect with one another.
6. Don’t Lose Your Individuality
Some couples enjoy spending the majority of their free time together. However, others choose to spend a much smaller fraction of their free time with one another. There is not one perfect balance for every couple. But it is important not to give up your individuality (hobbies, friendships, etc.) and the same goes for your partner. Each couple needs to find the right balance that works for them.
7. Search for the Joy
Long-term couples that stay together are often very good at finding joy with what are called “in-between moments.” These include having inside jokes, rituals, and other practices that you both experience together. Dr. Julie Gottman says that:
“Successful couples—those who remain happily together for decades—live by consistent guidelines. They look for what their partner is doing right, not what they’re doing wrong, and they say ‘thank you’ a dozen times a day, even for something as simple as making wake-up coffee for the umpteenth time.”
Maintaining a successful long-term relationship takes effort and hard work. But it is possible! Follow the survival tips above, but also consider participating in couples counseling to maximize your chances of success.