Believe it or not, your most important sexual organ is your brain. There is so much more to our sexuality than just our physical parts. Arguably, what goes on in our brains, or mental arousal, is a more critical component in a satisfying sex life than just the physical arousal alone.
While sexual dysfunction does exist, the majority of uninspired, lackluster sex lives can be significantly improved outside of the bedroom. Dr. Julie and John Gottman of the Gottman Institute discussed some research differences between couples who have satisfying sex lives and those that do not. The research found that all those differences involved factors that have nothing to do with what goes on between the sheets in bed.
Here are seven ways to reignite the passion in your sex life:
1. Say, “I Love You” Every Day
Couples who said “I love you” on a daily basis and actually meant it, as opposed to it being more of an off-hand or canned remark, are more likely to have a satisfying sex life. The same is also true for couples who kiss one another passionately and do so without the need for a special occasion.
2. Communication!
Research supports that those who discuss their sexual relationship with each other are much more likely to have a more satisfying sex life. It makes sense, but it’s important to know that you don’t have to solve everything. It just helps that you and your partner are talking things through.
So, ideally, what should you talk about? Emily Nagosky a sex educator, researcher, and author of the book, “ Come As You Are,” has some ideas. In her book, she talks about “sexual accelerators and brakes”.
Sexual accelerators are things that turn you on and make you more interested in being sexual. Here are some examples of sexual accelerators:
- having all their chores done
- a clean house
- an attractive outfit
- an emotionally connecting conversation with your partner
Sexual brakes are sexual turn-offs or things that make you less interested or uninterested in sex. Some common sexual brakes include:
- intense work stress
- a long list of incomplete chores
- a recent argument with your partner
- feeling attacked or criticized by your partner
Being able to share your sexual accelerators and brakes with one another can have a dramatically positive impact on your sex life!
3. Be Your Personal Best
Being your healthiest physically and mentally puts you and your partner at your best and feeling good about yourselves. For some, this might mean focusing on exercise and nutrition that help you be at your physical best. For others, addressing any mental health issues that are preventing you from being in a good place makes a tremendous difference. Keep in mind low libido can be a sign of depression or anxiety.
4. Try Brand New Hobbies or Interests Together
Research supports that engaging in novel or brand new experiences with your partner can actually reignite the passion that you experienced at the beginning of your relationship. Try a brand new hobby or activity, or travel to a new place where neither of you has been. This tends to mimic brain activity that you had early in your relationship.
5. Schedule a Romantic Getaway
Carving out time together in a new environment can also increase the connection and passion in your relationship significantly. If you can do this with some regularity, you are even better off. Even carving out romantic time for part of a day can make a difference.
6. Express Affection and Cuddle Regularly
Being affectionate consistently with one another is a common characteristic of those who have quality sex lives. Interestingly, the same applies to couples who cuddle together. Research shows that as much as 96 percent of couples who do not cuddle have poor sex lives.
So, cuddling may not guarantee that you’re going to have fantastic sex lives, but not cuddling appears to make it much more likely that you won’t have a satisfying sex life.
7. Learn Your Partner’s Love Language(s)
Other than spending quality time together, focus on words of affirmation and giving gifts. Compliments (words of affirmation) and gifts are frequent behaviors of couples that have satisfying sex lives.
If you try these above steps and still feel stuck, you may need to process past resentments or issues that are getting in the way. To help create a satisfying sex life, it’s important not to wait and seek out couples counseling as soon as possible.