“Vulnerability” has been a pretty common buzzword for several years now. While it may sound impressive, what does it actually mean?
Vulnerability can be defined as the willingness to express emotion and reveal weakness and, in the process, risk being hurt or even attacked. Yet, perhaps, the famous researcher and storyteller Brene Brown said it best:
“Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our greatest measure of courage.”
So, what makes vulnerability so important in relationships? Simply put, vulnerability is essential for developing a deeper and more connected emotional bond. Thus, it may be easier to think about vulnerability in the context of your friendships. When you think of the difference between your closest friends and one of your casual acquaintances, what is markedly different?
The answer is linked to your willingness to reveal personal information and share feelings regarding the most sensitive subjects that sometimes includes sharing painful experiences. The same applies to intimate relationships. Without any vulnerability in a relationship, all that is left is nothing more than a shallow connection with your partner. Our authentic selves are hidden and we reveal very little with one another and all that is left is a superficial, if any, connection. The end result? A largely unsatisfying relationship that may or may not survive.
Avoiding vulnerability may, in fact, shield you from being significantly hurt or wounded. Yet, without it, most likely, your partner will never be aware of your most important desires, wishes, or needs. You would be just going through the motions and experiencing one another without much depth or meaning.
How to Increase Vulnerability in Your Relationship
1. Gauge Your Own Self-awareness
It’s impossible to share meaningful feelings, thoughts, and desires with your partner if you aren’t fully aware of them. If you need to improve your level of internal awareness, the best way to do so is to connect with yourself or “check in” internally multiple times a day.
In order to gauge your internal “temperature” ask yourself:
- What am I feeling in this present moment?
- Am I Feeling tired? Fatigued? Sad? Anxious? Worried? Frustrated? Angry or something else?
Like any other muscle, if you check in regularly after a few weeks your level of self-awareness will improve. Another option would be to consider individual counseling.
2. Express A Desire for Increased Connection
Sometimes, simply sharing the wish to be closer and more connected with your partner can restart the process in which you both ramp up the amount of self-disclosure. This disclosure builds the trust that’s needed to form a mutually vulnerable relationship.
3. Make Bids for Connection
Make bids for connection. Vulnerability only happens when trust is developed. Trust then increases when you are feeling connected. So, by consistently reaching out to one another, your connection and mutual trust grow. This essentially helps in laying the foundation for increased vulnerability.
4. Take the First Risk
Set the tone in your relationship by sharing something important with your partner. This is likely to cause your partner to naturally want to reciprocate and vulnerably share something about themselves. To start with, try sharing how you feel about the events of your day instead of simply sharing the facts of what happened. You can gradually increase the level of vulnerability in what you share with one another.
5. Be Curious
One of the best ways to connect and understand your partner is to develop real curiosity about them. What are your partner’s deepest concerns, hopes, dreams, and fears? Gradually expand and deepen the types of inquiries into your partner’s thoughts and feelings. Slowly increase trust and develop a relationship culture of authenticity that promotes deep connection.
Finally, if, after trying these steps, you still feel stuck in a disconnected relationship, seek help through couples counseling.