You can tell a lot about the health of a relationship by the way we partners interact with one another during conflict. Relationship experts, Drs. John and Julie Gottman classify the behaviors of couples in conflict into three distinct boxes: Nice, Neutral, and Nasty.
The Gottman research indicates that, surprisingly, happy couples don’t live in the nice box all the time. Let’s explore this further:
The Neutral Box
How couples interact with one another during conflict says a great deal about the health and longevity of their relationship. The happiest couples, according to Gottman, live in the neutral box. Essentially, their interactions are not overly positive or negative. Instead, neutrality characterizes their toughest conversations. Intuitively, this may not make much sense, however, this is actually a significant achievement. It’s a much bigger achievement when you consider what couples must do to remain neutral.
To stay neutral, couples must do the following well:
- Avoid becoming emotionally flooded, which could push them quickly into the nasty box.
- Exhibit a high level of emotional intelligence to remain calm enough to have productive conversations. Alternatively, they are able to remove themselves from interacting when too upset.
- Maintain a strong emotional connection and mutual trust with their partner.
In his book, What Makes Love Last?, Dr. John Gottman wrote this of partners in conflict, “Couples who spent the most time being unemotional remain married.”
To underscore this point, in one study, Gottman looked at couples in their 40s and 50s. Interestingly, the happiest couples spent 65% of their time in the neutral box. Unhappy couples, though, averaged just 47% of their time in the neutral box.
What happened when researchers checked back more than a decade later? The happy couples reported spending even more of their time – nearly 70% of their conflicts – in the neutral box. This again indicates that happy couples are able to stay calm during conflict and their ability to do so is a hallmark of being in a healthy and long-lasting relationship.
The Nice Box
Couples who are able to reside in the nice box during conflict actually appear to be doing something that seems unachievable. Why? Engaging in the nice box requires:
- An ability to acknowledge each other’s feelings
- A high level of curiosity and the ability to understand each other completely
- Very high level of emotional connection, trust, and respect
- The ability to make timely repair attempts to address any hurt feelings
In contrast to the neutral box, couples who spend most of their conflicts in the nice box are exceedingly rare. It is very difficult to do. However, when it happens there is an obvious, loving, and affectionate interplay between partners. Realistically, the even healthiest couples cannot do this all the time. A more reasonable goal would be to live in the neutral box as much as possible and once in a while strive to reside in the nice box.
The Nasty Box
The nasty box is not where healthy couples live although they may enter this box periodically when making a critical or hurtful comment. Happy couples much less frequently go there. More importantly, happy couples don’t stay long when they do and can pull themselves out of that place quickly.
Unhappy couples who spend time in the nasty box during conflict primarily experience the following:
- A lack of emotional connection
- Conflicts that escalate quickly
- Easy, persistent emotional flooding
- Relationship spirals down a destructive path with lots of criticisms & contempt
5 Steps to Avoid the Nasty Box
1. Start a Mindfulness Practice. This helps you connect to your own emotions to avoid becoming emotionally flooded. Even if you do become flooded, you’re more likely to be aware in real-time so that you can reschedule the discussion after you both are much calmer.
2. Exercise Self-Soothing Skills. To engage each other successfully, you need to learn how to calm yourself down.
3. Stay Curious. This ability to remain interested in each other’s perspectives, wishes, and desires significantly deepen relationships. Curiosity keeps you feeling emotionally connected and is a natural reminder that you are on the same team.
4. Learn to Make Repair Attempts. Remembering to repair any rupture in the emotional connection with your partner as quickly as possible is a critical skill. Lowering your internal temperature helps keep you from becoming emotionally flooded.
5. Seek Help If You’re Stuck. Are you and your partner unable to stay out of the nasty box? If so, don’t wait too long. Read more about couples therapy and reach out for a consultation soon.