Most people would not realize this, but the roots of defensiveness go back to caveman days. Two-and-a-half million years ago, when early human hunter-gatherers lived in caves, life was about survival. When confronted by a saber-tooth cat or a bear, one’s survival instincts kicked in. This fight or flight response triggers an internal alarm where we experience a rush of adrenaline and an elevated heart rate that helps prepare us to face danger or run away from it.
The truth is, we are hard-wired to respond to any threat or potential attack. In modern times, hopefully, all we experience is a verbal (and not physical) attack. In stark contrast to when facing a dangerous animal, our survival instincts become counterproductive when responding to potential conflict with our partner. This fight or flight instinct causes us to become emotionally flooded.
This way of responding doesn’t help or protect your relationship. A defensive reaction only protects us as individuals and damages connection. Unfortunately, if we become defensive every time we have a conflict with our partner, there won’t be much of a relationship left to protect.
What is Defensiveness?
Dr. John Gottman’s 4 horsemen of the apocalypse refer to 4 traits, including defensiveness, which is very damaging to relationships. Defensiveness is probably the most common of these 4 traits. Defensiveness is a negative response. It rejects another person’s concerns, complaints, or observations. This often includes blaming others. In relationships, it is a form of self-protection as someone tries to shield themselves from any perceived attack from their partner. Instead of wanting to address any concerns, there is an instinct to fight or flee from them.
Examples of Defensiveness
Defensiveness comes in many different forms, but all involve NOT taking any responsibility. Here are two common examples:
1. Straight-forward, lacking responsibility
Jennifer: “I felt very vulnerable and uncomfortable when you shared my private information with our friends.”
Peter: “It’s not a big deal. I think they already knew about it.”
2. The Counterattack
John: “I thought you agreed to clean up the kitchen.”
Judy: “I can’t believe you mentioned the kitchen when you promised to clean out the garage months ago!”
Unaddressed, all types of defensiveness can be very damaging to relationships over time.
Transforming Defensiveness into Healthy Connections
Here are five ways that you can transform defensiveness into a healthy connection:
1. Lower the Temperature.
We are hard-wired for conflict and to protect ourselves from threats. However, remind yourself that in this situation there is no legitimate dangerous threat. Focus on calming down by using various self-soothing techniques. When emotionally flooded it’s much harder to see that your partner’s concerns don’t need to be viewed as a personal attack. Remember that it’s all about building a healthy relationship.
2. Be Attentive and Ask Questions.
When you’ve calmed down and are more attentive to your partner, ask yourself, “Do I understand his/her feelings completely?” If there is any doubt, be curious. Ask questions. Ensure you understand why they feel the way they do and why the issue is important to them. Being curious is an invaluable tool that can very effectively create a deeper and more emotionally connected relationship.
3. I vs We.
One quick reminder that helps eliminate any form of defensiveness is by focusing on the “We” instead of the “I.” Try to notice if you end up thinking “How can I survive this?” and replace it with “How can we benefit as a couple by having this discussion?” Doing so will help you avoid taking a defensive posture.
4. Your Partner is Not the Enemy.
Being defensive involves focusing on what you don’t like about your partner. This adds fuel to any defensive reaction. Before responding to your partners’ concerns, remind yourself of all the positive qualities that you appreciate about your partner.
5. Own It!
There’s nothing more effective than responding to your partner’s concerns simply by taking responsibility for your actions. In fact, it’s almost a magical way to defuse conflict in general. You might be amazed how well things go if you say:
- “I messed up.”
- “I was wrong”
- “Now, I can see how I hurt you.”
Dr. John Gottman writes that even partly agreeing that you are responsible can help with avoiding conflict. And if you don’t agree with your partner’s perspective at all, you can still own how your actions have impacted them.
If after trying these ideas you and your partner are still stuck in a defensive attack and blame cycle, don’t hesitate to seek couples counseling.