The current vaccination rollout is gaining momentum and the potential end of the pandemic is in sight. Thus, there is some optimism connected to the return of some degree of normalcy soon. In addition to the obviously tragic death toll, there is also an endless amount of collective grief for everything that has been lost due to the pandemic.
This includes our relationships and how they have suffered during this crisis. After the novelty of sheltering in place with your partner wore off, most couples were forced to be stuck at home together. While some couples benefited from the experience, many others did not.
Here are seven steps to take for revitalizing your relationship:
Take Inventory of the Damage
Taking an inventory of your relationship is not much different from assessing the damage caused by a natural disaster. If you are interested in repairing the damage, you have to determine in what ways the relationship has suffered. Have an open and honest dialogue with your partner about how your relationship has been impacted. This is a good way to start rebuilding the relationship.
Be Curious!
Vocalizing your curiosity about your partner is one of the most important hallmarks of any healthy relationship. If your relationship suffered during the pandemic, now is a good time to start trying to understand your partner’s experiences, feelings, and perceptions about how the relationship has suffered. What has hurt them the most? What would they like you to understand about their experience and inner world? Listen closely and try to make connections to your own experience as well.
Recalibrate for a New Equilibrium
After being stuck at home together for such a long time, the boundaries between individual time and couple time can easily become blurred. Now is a good time to recalibrate and determine what is the right balance of individual time versus time together. Consider how much solo time you and your partner need? Discussing this together can help the two of you find a new equilibrium that is satisfying for you both.
Committed Quality Time
Regardless of how much individual time you need, time together is essential. This is time that you spend together doing things that are fun and enjoyable. How much time you spend is up to you and your partner. For some couples, two dates a week may work best. For others, once a month is the right frequency. Regardless, talk to your partner about what works for your relationship.
Protected Time
In addition to regular quality time, couples benefit from having regular dedicated time to discuss the state of their relationship. Ideally, this time is separate from quality time. During this “protected time,” couples are prepared to respectfully discuss any problems or issues in the relationship. If possible, set aside 10 minutes every day. This is the best way for couples to consistently address any issues in the relationship.
Little Gestures Add Up
Making daily little gestures to one another is one of the most significant things that couples can do to revitalize a relationship. Little daily gestures are arguably more important than grand sweeping gestures made only on occasion. These small acts include being affectionate, making verbal appreciations, and complimenting one another. Interestingly, Dr. John Gottman recommends that couples spend at least six seconds on a hug and kiss when greeting one another after time apart.
Novel Activities
Choosing to engage in new experiences when having quality time together can positively impact a relationship and improve connection with one another. Research has indicated that when couples engage in novel or new activities together they often experience a level of excitement and connectivity similar to what they felt at the beginning of their relationship.
If the pandemic has harmed your relationship, there are things that you can do to revitalize it. Follow the steps listed above. However, if you are still having a hard time repairing the damage to your relationship, don’t hesitate to attend couples counseling as soon as possible.