All of us have had experiences outside and inside a relationship where we have gotten angry. The truth of the matter is anger gets a bad rap. When you think about it, anger is just as valid a human emotion as any other, such as joy or sadness. What we say or do when we’re angry is an important distinction. When our anger is relatively mild, we are usually able to engage with others productively. As our level of anger increases – typically when it reaches a moderate level or higher – we cross a threshold in which we intuitively understand that any interaction with our partner is unlikely to go well.
Unfortunately, when anger gets the best of us while interacting with our partner, it can become very counter-productive. It is generally referred to as being emotionally flooded after we have crossed that threshold and are moderately or severely angry. This a term used to describe what happens when your emotions take over and you revert back to a more primitive mindset.
What is Flooding?
When angry, we may or may not be emotionally flooded. When we are flooded, we lose control of what we say or do. Instead of our rational side being in the driver’s seat, our emotions take over. Flooding also always includes a physical response. Typically this involves having an elevated heart rate and we release stress hormones (cortisol and adrenaline).
When our emotions are in control it is very challenging to self-soothe or calm ourselves down. It’s important to remember that anger is not the problem. Rather, it’s our words, behaviors, or actions that take place when we are emotionally flooded.
Emotional Hijacking
Dr. John Gottman refers to the flooding phenomenon as emotional hijacking. One helpful way to think of this state of flooding is that essentially our emotions go into overdrive. When emotionally hijacked, it’s almost impossible to control your emotions and we usually react by going into a fight, flight, or freeze mode.
If you are emotionally flooded and can’t stop yourself from fighting your partner, you can be pretty sure you will need to be doing “damage control” in the near future. When these interactions reoccur, they can seriously harm relationships.
Upset vs. Flooded
So, what causes people to reach a state where they are flooded versus simply being upset? It varies from person-to-person, but in general, we become flooded with emotion when triggered by another’s words or actions. Common “triggers” are often connected to experiencing a situation that is a reminder of, or similar to a particular event from one’s past.
For example, let’s say someone had a highly critical parent who repeatedly criticized them for not being good enough. Flash forward to adulthood where they then are on the receiving end of criticism from their partner. They are then likely to be triggered when this happens, which in turn can cause them to be emotionally flooded. In addition, those who struggle with anger management almost by definition can easily become emotionally flooded
Interestingly, men get flooded more often than women. In fact, according to Gottman’s research, men become emotionally flooded 80% more often than women. But in general, someone who has experienced previous trauma is more likely to be flooded than those who have not.
What to Do When Flooded
Label it internally. Being aware of when you’re emotionally flooded helps when you name it. For instance, “Wow, I am getting too worked up right now.” This puts some distance between those intense emotions and ourselves. We are then able to observe ourselves and get less caught up in the flooding, and it can help us decide what to do next.
Take a deep breath. Breathing deeply can help us to calm down and it is also an antidote to the flooding response by activating our vagus nerve (which in turn produces a calming response in our bodies).
Visualize being in a soothing place that will help you relax. Perhaps it’s your favorite beach or a spot in nature where you have felt most relaxed and comforted. Find an image that engages you as completely as possible.
Take a break, if needed, from your partner before trying any of the above self-soothing tips. If possible, talk to your partner about needing a break and be sure to set a time to resume the discussion.
As you can see, emotional flooding is more than simply being upset. It’s when you reach a point that you become so emotionally impacted that you are no longer in control. The ramifications for the health of any relationship are significant. Practicing the tips above will help. However, if you are still having problems with flooding impacting your relationship, then it’s important to seek couples counseling.