When you think of the most important qualities in healthy and thriving relationships, what do you consider first? Most would first say communicating effectively is important. Others might suggest having mutual respect for one another or point to honesty. Or, people might point out that having the ability to compromise makes a big difference.
Now, while all these qualities are essential for relationships, they leave out one important trait. The ability to repair is arguably the most important quality in successful relationships. When you and your partner are able to repair a relationship after a conflict, it’s possible to prevent that argument or disagreement from escalating and deepening the rift. Here’s how.
A Surprising Number
Regardless of how satisfying or happy you are in a relationship we all occasionally do things that annoy or irritate our partner. Couples do get upset with each other occasionally. Perhaps you thoughtlessly said something that slipped out before thinking. Or, you forgot to follow through with a promise. These ruptures in partners’ emotional connection, if left unchecked, can damage a relationship.
Dr. John Gottman, a researcher who studies relationships, estimates that couples are emotionally available to each other only 9% of the time. That means that they are in tune with one another and receptive to listening with one another less than 10% of the time! Couples, in turn, spend the rest of the time – a whopping 91% of the time – not emotionally connected to their partners. This puts them at risk of making waves and upsetting their partner.
The Difference Between “Masters” vs. “Disasters”
One critical quality that separates the relationship “Masters” from the “Disasters” is a couple’s ability to repair after an emotional disconnection. All relationships, even the healthy ones, go through cycles of connection, disconnection, and reconnection. The important part is becoming skilled at repairing the breach and doing so in a timely way.
There are many ways to make these repair attempts in relationships. Gottman discusses what makes repair attempts meaningful and successful. Interestingly, how a partner makes a repair attempt is not as important as how the other partner receives the repair attempt. This is critical to the success of the repair.
Other Important Relationship Factors
Gottman also points out that the general climate and level of friendship between partners are other important factors in making repair attempts successful. In other words, if a couple has an emotionally connected relationship where they have built up their emotional bank account, they then are more likely to recover and successfully repair a relationship rift. Not surprisingly, it is easier for couples to resolve disagreements if there is already a foundation of connection and friendship established.
Keys to Relationship Repairs
1. Build up an emotional bank account and don’t miss out on opportunities to build strong connections with one another. There are tons of little actions that each of you can do on a daily basis to strengthen your relationship.
2. Take responsibility for any and all missteps that you make. This lays the groundwork for making healing relationship repairs.
3. Increase the amount of quality time that you spend together. This is especially important if you were not already doing so before the pandemic.
4. Don’t hesitate to reach out for couples counseling if you and your partner are still struggling with repair attempts.
Conflict and misunderstandings are unavoidable in all relationships. This is a universal truth for all couples. However, it’s what you and your partner do after those disconnecting moments that separate the “masters from the disasters” and determines relationship health. The “masters” are not only able to reach out to their partner to quickly repair any relationship rupture, but they are also able to receptively respond to this gesture.
Establishing a solid foundation of emotional connection is important too. If you need help with making relationship repair attempts, don’t hesitate to get help from a therapist skilled in couples counseling.