You are now learning some fundamental communication tools. If so, you are likely more self-aware when you’re having a disagreement with your partner. You now know the importance of being aware of your own emotions in real-time, when you’re too upset to productively engage your partner during a disagreement.
Hopefully, you’ve also learned – in order to avoid stonewalling your partner – that when you are too emotionally flooded to productively resume talking you now are able to step back and restart the discussion with your partner at an agreed-upon later time if you need to.
If you’ve gotten this far, congratulations! This isn’t easy.
However, this is just the beginning and there’s more to learn.
Here’s why: Let’s say you’ve tried to calm down. Or, more accurately, you let enough time pass to restart an argument later about sex life, money, or household chores. Unfortunately, within 30 seconds your internal temperature rises, frustration sets in, and you notice that again you start to engage each other unproductively…
So, now what?
“The Four F’s”: Fight, Flight, Freeze, Fawn
Under threat or stress, our bodies are hardwired to react in one of four specific ways. We call these the four “F’s”:
1. Fight: The fight response is all too familiar to most of us. It is the natural defensive response we likely have experienced many times when under stress.
2. Flight: The flight response occurs when we perceive danger and respond by leaving or fleeing the situation.
3. Freeze: The freeze response occurs when we can’t make sense of or identify a threat. Our senses go on high alert (think of a “deer in the headlights” moment).
4. Fawn: The fawn response is a way of coping with the threat by trying to appease an authority figure as a way to reduce the danger and stay safe (sometimes occurs during physical or sexual abuse).
Considering Your Physiological Responses
What is happening in our bodies during a heated argument when we experience intense stress?
Our defensive reactions are triggered by our autonomic nervous system, which regulates our fight/flight/freeze/fawn response. This is a hard-wired condition. It’s automatic. Our body instinctively turns to one of the 4 F’s when a threat is perceived.
The good news? We can trick the nervous system instead of shifting becoming agitated to calm down.
How? Our autonomic nervous system is comprised of two components: the sympathetic nervous system and the parasympathetic nervous system. Our more visceral fight or flight response is activated by the sympathetic nervous system. The parasympathetic nervous system is associated more with our “rest and recover” responses.
Breathing Exercise to Help Activate The PSN System
Recent research compared the benefits of a breathing and meditation program, a mindfulness-based stress reduction program, and an emotional awareness and regulation program. They found that the breathing and meditation program had the most successful stress reduction impact. Fortunately, you don’t have to take the specific program mentioned in the research to start to receive some of the benefits.
A colleague, therapist Krista Dancy, MFT shared a simple breathing technique (which can be done in under one minute) that promotes a relaxation response by effectively tricking your nervous system.
When you are ready, give this technique a try.
The goal is to gradually lengthen your breath exhalations with the following procedure:
Step 1. Slowly breathe in for a 5-second count
Step 2. Slowly breathe out for 6 seconds
Step 3. Slowly breathe in for a 5-second count
Step 4. Slowly breathe out for 7 seconds
Step 5. Slowly breathe in for a 5-second count
Step 6. Slowly breathe out for 8 seconds
Step 7. Slowly breathe in for a 5-second count
Step 8. Slowly breathe out for 9 seconds
This technique activates the vagus nerve, which helps create a calming effect. Though it might take a little practice to get the hang of it, this can quickly become second nature. When you get frustrated, angry, or irritated with your partner, try it. While on a break from a conflictual conversation is also the perfect time to practice this technique. In addition, when in the midst of work or family (or really any) stress try practicing this simple breathing exercise.
However, if, after practicing this technique during and after disagreements, you are still struggling to make peace in your relationship, don’t wait to start couples counseling.