Most associate yelling, personal attacks, and name-calling with the most destructive forms of communication possible in relationships. However, a lack of communication, especially stonewalling, can be just as harmful as these more aggressive communication interactions.
Dr. John Gottman identified what he calls the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. They are four behaviors that ultimately doom a relationship. They are criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and finally, stonewalling.
What is Stonewalling?
So what exactly is stonewalling? Some examples include:
- “I don’t have time for this.”
- “Not now, I’m busy.”
- “We’re done here.”
- “I’m not dealing with that. That’s your issue.”
- “Leave me alone.”
These above examples are what we could consider words of a “stonewaller.” It occurs when one partner attempts to exit out of the back door of conversation without discussing the issues at hand. They do this typically because they are emotionally overwhelmed or flooded. Physiologically, when flooded, their heart rate is beating at or above 100 beats per minute. Interestingly, according to Gottman, 85% of stonewallers are male.
As you can guess, stonewalling increases tension in any relationship. In fact, stonewalling often infuriates the other partner being stonewalled. It feels impossible for them to be able to communicate with their partner at all. All they do is deflect and then shut down.
So What Should You Do If You Are the Stonewaller?
If you are the stonewaller in the relationship, then your fundamental challenge is to not become emotionally overwhelmed and physically flooded where you basically have no choice but to disengage from your partner and shut down. Consider these ideas:
1. Boost Your Emotional Intelligence
Increasing your emotional intelligence will help you to be aware and sensitive, not just to your own emotions, but to those of others around you. This will make a big difference in staying connected to your partner during discussions. If you’re not tuned in to your own emotions, it will be almost impossible to take care of yourself appropriately without negatively impacting your partner.
2. Agree on a Code Word
Use a code word that both you and your partner can agree on. When one or both of you is getting too distressed to discuss an issue, use the code word. This signals a pause in the conversation. Just be sure to agree on how much time is needed to calm down before resuming the discussion.
3. Reschedule the Discussion
Make sure to assign a time, or even a specific date, for rescheduling the discussion. That way, your partner won’t feel stonewalled. Don’t let yourself take the “easy out.”
4. Practice Self-Soothing Techniques
Utilizing self-soothing techniques can help calm you down so that you can continue talking. Breathing exercises, visualization practices, taking a walk, playing music, or even taking a bath are all great examples of self-soothing techniques. Remember, being able to calm yourself down from that emotionally flooded state is critically important in order to avoid stonewalling your partner.
What to Do If You’re being Stonewalled?
If you are the one being stonewalled in the relationship, recognize that your partner isn’t necessarily trying to maliciously shut you out. Rather, they are likely in a flooded state where they are overwhelmed which is, at least temporarily, dominating their actions.
There are a couple of things that you can do in these instances:
- Try not to lash out or say or do something you’ll regret later. Since they are already feeling stressed, this will only make things worse.
- Either chose not to interact with your partner at that moment or, if it seems appropriate you could say, “We are too upset to talk right now – can we talk later after we calm down?”
Overall, unaddressed stonewalling can be very destructive in relationships. The stonewaller will often need individual therapy in order to learn how to manage their emotions more effectively. In my experience working with couples struggling in their relationships, at least one partner – sometimes both – struggles to manage their anger in the relationship.
In these situations, couples counseling is often necessary to help couples to learn how to communicate and better understand one another. If you think that stonewalling is damaging your relationship, strongly consider individual relationship counseling.