You’ve been quarantined at home for weeks by now and have been bombarded with lots of uncomfortable and scary feelings. Even worse, you’re starting to beat yourself up for what you haven’t accomplished. You desperately wish you would’ve been able to check off a few more items on your “to-do” list, but instead your anxiety has prevented you from even writing a coherent list. The hole keeps getting bigger and you’re wondering: “how will I ever escape this paralysis?”
In response to trauma, danger, or extreme stress, we are wired to survive by choosing one of the 4 F’s: fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. (Most of us are familiar with the first three F’s. A fawning response basically means engaging in people-pleasing behavior). Some of us are angry that our world is upside down right now. Yet, many of us are also frozen in an anxious state, struggling to take even the most basic and productive steps forward.
Unfortunately, when we are mired in this worry-filled morass, we often don’t make the healthiest decisions. For example, it is in this state when we are most likely to get sucked into obsessively watching the news and tracking the deadliness of this pandemic in a misguided effort to gain some sense of control over the situation. Sadly, for most of us, this only reinforces our current predicament and keeps us stuck in this anxious state.
In order to break free of your paralysis, try following these steps:
1. Label & Express Your Feelings
Brene Brown, the best selling author and researcher, writes on her website:
“I believe you have to walk through vulnerability to get to courage, therefore…embrace the suck.”
This means that in order to relieve being burdened by our feelings we must experience them fully. But first, we must identify and label or name them before expressing them. Brown, based on years of research also concludes that:
“If you don’t name what you’re feeling, they [your feelings] will eat you alive.”
So paradoxically, we must put into words to what we’re feeling and courageously “embrace the suck” before we are no longer be consumed by them. Most of us are feeling worried, scared, and overwhelmed with the new reality of this pandemic world. Brown in a recent podcast talked about what we are all feeling now and described our “FFT” feelings – which stand for “effing first time.” No one in our lifetime has lived through a global pandemic before (unless you’re well over 100 years old).
According to Brown, after we’ve labeled and expressed our feelings during these FFT experiences, we can begin to “normalize them.” This means recognizing that pretty much everybody is having their own similar set of feelings in our new corona-filled reality. So embracing our feelings by naming them, expressing them, and putting them in perspective allow us to begin to work through them, and by doing so we can start to combat our paralysis.
2. Grieve What is Lost
It is also critically important to not overlook grief as an important feeling during this pandemic. What are we grieving? In short, we are grieving life as we used to know it. While we believe that this new reality is temporary, we don’t know how long it will last and if life will ever quite return to the world we are familiar with. How long do we have to wait to connect and hug family and friends that are not in our limited social-distancing circle? It can help to learn about the stages of grief (keeping in mind they can occur in any order) and remind ourselves what is in our control. We can control maintaining 6 feet of social distance away from others and washing our hands regularly. But, we do need to let go of what we cannot control (for example, if others in our community are ignoring social distancing guidelines).
3. Apply Self-Compassion
What I often tell my clients is how much suffering we would end if each of us could simply be as kind to ourselves as we typically are to a close friend or family member. This concept is simple but can be difficult to put into practice. What makes it so challenging? The biggest obstacle for us becoming self-compassionate is largely due to the pervasive erroneous belief that in order to reach our goals we must be self-critical. The research says otherwise: having self-compassion actually increases our motivation and is a much more effective practice that allows us to reach our goals compared to the “strategy” of beating ourselves up. You can learn more about self-compassion here and even test your level of self-compassion.
4. Limit Media Exposure
As discussed above, when we are paralyzed with anxiety and fear, we are often more compelled to try to learn about our fear and can obsessively track the news. This desire to have a sense of control by mastering our understanding can easily backfire and exponentially increase our anxiety. How do we know how much news is too much? One telltale sign is if we are ruminating about what we learned hours after watching or reading about the pandemic. Alternatively, if we are frantically informing friends and family members about a new understanding or aspect of the pandemic, we likely have crossed that threshold of what is too much exposure. In truth, how closely do we really need to track the mortality rate of this pandemic or how far away are we from developing a vaccine?
5. Follow Best Self-Care Practices
Most of us have heard of these self-care practices before, so I won’t go into great detail. However, it DOES make a tremendous difference if you:
Maintain a Consistent Sleep/Wake Schedule
I get it. Most of us can get away with having dramatically different sleep schedules during our quarantine. Do not vary them – maintain a consistent sleep schedule. It helps! A lot.
Exercise Regularly
If possible, try to elevate your heart rate a few times per week. No exercise equipment at home? That’s ok, go for a long walk or run. Get outside and breathe fresh air every day. Aim for 30 minutes per day, but even 10 minutes helps a lot! My recommendation: do it first thing after waking – that way you’ve already accomplished something and set a positive tone for the day.
Keep a Mostly Healthy Diet
Consistently eating unhealthy foods is a recipe for falling into a rut since a poor diet is known to negatively impact your mood. Occasionally, it’s ok to treat yourself but aim to eat in a generally healthy manner.
Connect via Video Calls or by Phone
Do this regularly with friends and family.
6. Don’t Fall for the Comparison Trap
You WILL hear stories about that one neighbor… you know the one who has already built a log cabin in their backyard and has moved on to mastering their third foreign language since the quarantine began. That’s great for them – let them be their superhuman selves while recording their top-rated new podcast as they look at themselves in the mirror (if they hung one up in their log cabin).
But there’s only one YOU. The only person you should compare yourself to is…YOU. Wherever you are right at this moment is the perfect starting place to take the next step. Also, make sure your expectations are reasonable and appropriate. We are in uncharted territory and pre-pandemic self-expectations will likely cause us more distress.
7. “Outdo” Mr. Rogers
Some of you may be familiar with Fred Rogers (of Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood). He once shared what his mother told him when he was a boy after seeing some scary things in the news:
“My mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.’ To this day, especially in times of disaster, I remember my mother’s words, and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers — so many caring people in this world.”
Yes, reading about the compassionate and caring people that are helping others during this pandemic is heartwarming and very comforting. But don’t stop there! Be one of the helpers. Ask an elder in your community if you can go grocery shopping for them, hand out toilet paper, or donate blood. Finding ways to give back, not only helps others, it provides us with some sense of control, improves our mood, and lowers our anxiety level.
Next Steps:
I get it. For some of you, just reading this list feels overwhelming.
Please remember, you can only do one thing at a time. Start small and simply choose one item from above that you are not already doing. Then, if and when it feels right, go on and choose a second step.
If after trying some or all of the above steps you still feel stuck, do not hesitate to reach out to a therapist in your area. Utilizing resources is a sign of strength. One good thing about starting individual therapy now is that you don’t have to leave your bedroom or even get out of your pajamas. There’s a friendly therapist waiting for you just on the other side of your computer screen or phone.