Quick! Think of one habit or activity couples do together that connected with making relationships last. Most people would come up with going out on regular date nights or having a healthy and frequent sex life. These couldn’t hurt, and there are hundreds of thousands of studies out there about how to make relationships last. However, what if the secret to making relationships last were much simpler? Research from UC-Berkley, completed by Dacher Keltner has looked into this question. It focused on the health and happiness of couples and their habits. What they found was that the one habit couples should focus on is laughter.
A Deciding Factor as to Whether Couples Divorce
On the surface, this may seem surprising. Yet, couples who laugh experience positive emotions together stay together longer. The study revealed that at the start of a marriage, it is toxic emotions such as anger or contempt that doom a relationship. Yet, as couples age, the lack of laughter and joy can kill a marriage too. These findings are actually in line with John Gottman’s research into relationships. According to the study, “For couples who divorced on average 13.9 years after they were married, it was the absence of laughter that predicted the end of their bond.”
Playfulness and Conflict
The researchers also pointed out that related to the importance of laughter is the playfulness between partners. Playfulness helps to further connect two individuals in a relationship. Not only is playfulness between one another important, it also can be useful for dealing with conflict between partners. How is this possible? You would think that playfulness or teasing would have the opposite effect. However, according to Julienne Derichs of Couples Counseling Today, playfulness, “helps couples connect, de-stress, and it acts as an important repair technique when couples are feeling tense over conflict.”
This makes sense when you think of other situations where a well-timed joke or funny comment has the effect of breaking up the tension in the room. A good laugh actually helps you both feel more relaxed, open, and accepting of one another. Thus, you each become more receptive to one another’s views and to resolving the disagreement.
A note of caution: This is only relative to good-natured playfulness between partners. It is not an excuse for either partner to engage in personal attacks. However, when couples do use playfulness during conflict, the research found that it can help couples to resolve their disputes.
Tips for Creating More Laughter and Playfulness
- Consider the amount of playfulness and laughter that already exists in your relationship. Do you and your partner laugh often?
- Practice some good-natured teasing between one-another. However, make sure not to do this initially when you are having a conflict with your partner. Also, be conscious that the teasing doesn’t become a personal attack.
- Go to places as a couple where you know laughter will be present. For example, have a date night together at a comedy club or watch a funny romantic comedy movie at home. The idea is to help facilitate experiences that promote laughter.
- If, after trying these tips you still feel like you are struggling with laughter and playfulness as a couple, it’s important to address this with professional help.
We are learning that laughing and playfulness not only feels good, but they can also really help with improving relationships. Also, that laughter plays a critical role as to whether couples either stay together or get divorced years after they first were married. If you and your partner think you need to “up your game” consider using the tips above. However, if you are still struggling reach out for couples counseling for additional support
