It has generally been a common perception that, as couples age, they can become more cantankerous with others, including their partners. Some research suggests that emotions become subdued too. However, new research sees something different.
A second honeymoon phenomenon occurs as couples get older. Also, previous, unpleasant emotions, from earlier in the relationship, begin to soften. This appears to start the middle years and continue as couples age.
The Research into Marriage and Mental Health
In the study, researchers analyzed 87 middle-aged couples who had been married between 12-35 years. Ove a 13-year period the researchers recorded the emotional interactions that these couples had between one another. The results of the research were published in the journal Emotion. They discovered that as couples age, humor actually increases between them. According to Robert Levinson, a psychology professor at UC-Berkley, “Our findings shed light on of the great paradoxes of late life.” He went on to say that in general, “older people in stable marriages are relatively happy and experience low rates of depression and anxiety. Marriage has been good for their mental health.”
Findings Consistent with Prior Research
These findings are in-line with previous research published by Levinson, in which he learned that women were more “emotionally expressive” than men. Yet, as the couples aged negative behaviors form men such as being overbearing or domineering actually decreased. This is very good news for younger couples who may feel that they are struggling with one another. That is, given time and patience things do improve.
Findings Consistent with Prior Research
These findings are compatible with previous research published by Levinson, in which he learned that women were more “emotionally expressive” than men. Yet, as the couples aged, negative behaviors from men such as being overbearing or domineering actually decreased.
This is very good news for younger couples who may feel that they are struggling with one another. That is, given time and patience things do improve. However, it would be completely inappropriate to conclude that a highly volatile and conflict-filled couple should just “wait it out” for middle age when conflict can soften. Yet, it does seem significant, and frankly a little comforting, that as you get older you focus more on the positives in your life and become less drawn into conflict and negativity.
In fact, consider this, according to Alice Verstaen, a co-author on the study:
“Given the links between positive emotion and health, these findings underscore the importance of intimate relationships as people age, and the potential health benefits associated with marriage.”
So, how can couples who want to increase positive emotions between each other and reduce conflict?
Let’s consider a few tips for couples who are searching for conflict solutions as they age.
- Don’t wait until the later stages of a relationship to focus on your relationship health. It’s helpful at any stage of a relationship to work towards improving it.
- Learn as much as you can about one another. It’s important to know each other’s positive attributes, especially when you are struggling in the relationship.
- On the other hand, know what your partner’s triggers and sensitivities are and how not to make difficult situations worse.
- Remind yourself why you appreciate your partner. Make sure they know you appreciate them by writing notes or saying, “I love you” to each other.
- Work to resolve any disagreements between quickly in a way that satisfies both parties.
- Create experiences that will bring you both closer together as a couple. These can include something complex, like going on an international trip. Or simply spend an afternoon walking along a nature trail.
- Laugh together! Find the humor in life and share those experiences with one another.
- Cooks meals together or create something that the two of you can both enjoy.
- When working to resolve conflict, remember to stay calm and remind yourself how much you do really care for this person.
- If you are stuck trying to focus on the positive aspects of one another, reach out for couples counseling for additional guidance.