How often do you regret your actions or words because you were uncontrollably angry? Many of us struggle to control our anger.
Recent research notes that 8% of the U.S. population struggles with poorly controlled anger. This statistic, which was produced by respondents own self-reporting, suggests that the actual number is likely noticeably higher. In my experience working with couples, a high percentage of them struggle to consistently control their anger. In fact, oftentimes it is not just one, but both partners, who have this problem.
When Anger Strikes
As a relationship specialist, I have observed how anger can stifle and even strangle a relationship. Often, couples end up avoiding any discussion that could lead to conflict. This is usually based on past experiences together. They believe that if they don’t avoid these sensitive conversations, there will only be more problems.
Thus, couples tend to lead parallel lives and subsequently become more disconnected from one another. This can sometimes lead to one or both partners having an affair and inevitably to the end of the relationship.
My job as a couples counselor would be a lot easier if all I had to do was teach couples how to communicate in healthier ways and express themselves productively to foster an open dialogue about the issues. If that was the case, these couples would be spending much less time in my office. However, the unfortunate reality is that anger is undefeated and derails any hope of having productive communication that can lead to greater relationship health and satisfaction.
How Does This Happen?
When people are triggered and become emotionally flooded, they lose the capacity to process information effectively. Gottman’s relationship research examined what happens physically when we get upset. His researchers discovered physiological changes when our heart rate reaches 100 beats or more per minute. At that rate, we are beyond the point of having a reasonable or rational conversation.
Essentially, when we are emotionally flooded, we can still do a “good” job of angrily conveying our (heated) opinion, but we cannot effectively understand or process what our partner is saying. We basically enter a “fight or flight” mode in which we are not trying to understand our partner and their perspective, but instead are focused on winning the argument and being “right.” Once we cross this threshold, we begin to lose control of the situation and our ability to make good decisions.
Is There Anything That Helps?
Learning to manage anger effectively takes a lot of effort and practice. For those with a significant anger problem and have a history of lashing out at others, committing to counseling and seeing a therapist who specializes in anger management issues is essential. For others who want to first try to address their anger problem on their own, here are a few steps that you can take:
- Make the commitment to work on managing your anger more effectively.
- Start a mindfulness practice. This is the ability to be much more connected to and aware of your emotions. Practice identifying the emotion(s), gauging the intensity of each emotion, and deciding if engaging your partner in the moment is wise or not.
- Learn how to self-soothe. Acquiring the ability to calm yourself down is truly an invaluable skill that goes a long way towards managing anger. If you are able to self-soothe so that your anger never reaches a breaking point, it will go a long way towards having healthier dialogues in your relationship.
- If you find yourself stuck while trying these steps or you feel the problem is bigger than you can handle on your own, absolutely get professional help to manage your anger more effectively.
Despite statistics that many people let anger get the best of them, everyone is capable of learning how to manage his or her anger more effectively. It is possible to learn and practice skills on your own that will help you start managing your anger. You will also be able to be more aware of what is happening emotionally in the present moment and make healthier decisions when interacting with your partner. However, if you are still struggling, don’t hesitate to reach out to a therapist for individual relationship counseling.