.How much do you expect of your spouse? This answer may go a long way towards determining how happy you are in your marriage.
Over the last several decades, marital expectations have noticeably increased. Previously, the expectations were fairly limited to having financial stability and maintaining quality child-rearing. Not much more was expected from your spouse in the distant past.
Recently though, these expectations have expanded. Now they include desiring that your spouse be your best friend, lover, and even soulmate. What this means for couples is they not only prioritize communicating their expectations of one another but also ensure that there are appropriate resources by which to follow through with fulfillment of these expectations.
Rising Expectations for Relationships
In his research, Eli Finkel of Northwestern University identified that while the amount of time people invest in a relationship has decreased, the expectations partners have for one another has actually increased. Not surprisingly, this is not a recipe for a happy relationship or marriage.
It may be tempting to consider whether it makes sense to not have any expectations in a relationship at all. Not so fast! Other research from the couples lab at the University of North Carolina showed that having too few expectations was not a smart strategy either.
They determined that not expecting common decency, respect, and kindness from one another means you are asking for an unhealthy relationship. Therefore, it may be safe to say that when it comes to your relationship, you get what you expect.
So What’s the Answer?
Having too high or too low expectations for your partner doesn’t seem to work since it only leads to poor relationship satisfaction. So what’s the solution for loving couples who want to get things right?
The best answer is “it depends.” Research from Florida State University found that having expectations in marriage only works if couples know how to manage their stress levels and also devote time to their relationship. This research shows that the optimal expectation level is contingent on two variables: (1) the amount of time they have to devote to their relationship and (2) the degree to which they have the necessary emotional tools to provide their partner.
When a couple is under significant stress, expectations should follow suit. In other words, significant stressors in a couple’s life should naturally temper relationship expectations. So for example, if one partner recently lost their job or if a loved one recently died, we would naturally not carry the same expectations of that partner. Similarly, if a couple has a very needy and demanding teenager, the energy level to devote to the relationship won’t be the same. Here are some steps to help you determine the appropriate expectations in your relationship:
- Individually, evaluate how much time you devote to your partner.
- Sit down and discuss #1 above and identify the amount of time and ability give to one another.
- Decide together the basic expectations of your relationship. Include minimum basics such as respect and kindness towards one another.
- Agree on ways to practice these expectations. Include regular date nights or thoughtful gestures.
If you feel stuck or are still struggling, don’t hesitate to seek out a skilled couples counselor.
In order to have a satisfying relationship, it’s important to focus on two areas. The first is to decide on reasonable expectations. Agree on what is appropriate for your situation. The second is to create the time and space that you both need to implement those expectations. Whether it is a night out on the town or a comforting hug, these acts will build over time. They help create a solid foundation for marital happiness.
However, if you try this plan and are still having problems, it may be time to seek out couples counseling for support.