The idea that everyone has a soulmate somewhere in the world seems to be embedded in our culture. Hollywood movies like Titanic, Ghost, and dozens of similar films that contain familiar plots where a protagonist finds and falls in love with their soulmate only reinforce this belief that you have someone out there you are destined to meet. In fact, a Monmouth University poll found that almost two-thirds of Americans believe they are meant to find their soulmate.
Monmouth University professor Dr. Gary Lewandowski cautions that believing in a soulmate “isn’t necessarily ideal for your relationship.” In fact, he says that those who believe in soulmates and destiny are actually more likely to break up with one another.
The reason why is pretty straightforward. If you are in a relationship where both partners believe in this magical perfect companionship, you are unfortunately set up for failure. That’s because when you have an argument or conflict with your partner, you are more likely to think that the relationship “wasn’t meant to be” or “they must not be my soulmate” and ultimately break up.
This, of course, is very different from accepting that some conflict in relationships is inevitable. Striving to skillfully work through the conflict, is a hallmark of a healthy relationship.
Another problem with searching for your soulmate is the possibility that the search could go on forever. This means that you never find a lasting partner because no one is perfect enough.
When searching for a soulmate, someone is basically seeking a partner who will not only be the perfect partner but will actually “complete” them. A much healthier approach to finding a compatible partner is to focus on the qualities in a potential mate that will end up enhancing your life.
Here are some tips when searching for a partner and a lasting relationship:
Be at Peace with Being Single
Paradoxically, it’s enormously helpful to find happiness within yourself before searching for a potential partner. This enables you to understand who you really are and eliminates any desire to look for a “savior” who completes you. After all, how can you be in a healthy relationship sharing your life with someone if you don’t know yourself well?
Identify Important Qualities in a Partner
Consider the specific traits and qualities you believe are important in a partner. What are your preferences? For example, do you value:
- Compassion
- Intelligence
- Caring
- Trust
- Empathy
- Respect
- Patience
At the same time, can you be OK in a relationship that does not have every single one of your preferences? Again, no one is perfect. It would be impossible to ask anyone to have 100% of the qualities that you are searching for in a person. However, you likely will have some qualities that are absolute “must haves” for any relationship. These may include mutual respect and trust.
Recognize That Relationships Take Work
Start observing the other relationships in your life around you. If you are connected to people in healthy relationships, take time to notice qualities that make those relationships special. Then attempt to incorporate those admirable qualities into your own life and relationships. Also, take note of any relationship qualities that you don’t like or appear counter-productive as well.
Get Professional Help
If you are struggling to find a partner and/or having a healthy relationship, it may be time for professional help. Take the time to meet with a therapist who specializes in relationship counseling. They can help guide you on your relationship journey.
Searching for your soulmate sounds romantic and certainly sells in Hollywood. However, the reality is that relationships are all about finding someone who compliments and enhances you, not completes you. After all, relationships are about compatibility, not perfection. No one person is perfect, and neither are relationships. If you are struggling, consider getting support from a therapist who can offer singles counseling.