In the long run, relationships in which partners don’t express themselves and put their own interests aside will likely fail. For some, the potential fallout of not appropriately meeting one’s own needs can lead to arguments and built up resentment towards their partner. A new study supports the body of already existing research involving the connection between the mind and body. This study found that those who put their own needs aside are more likely to suffer from heart disease than those who do not.
Research Into Self-Silencing
The study participants included over three hundred women who were either pre or post-menopausal. They completed questionnaires about a variety of behaviors, including what’s called “self-silencing.” Self-silencing occurs when one doesn’t communicate their true feelings or thoughts about an issue. Instead, they silence themselves and refrain from communicating their needs.
According to Karen Jakubowski, a postdoc fellow with the study, some of the questions asked of the women included, “Are you putting your partner’s needs before your own?” and “Are you agreeing with them to avoid conflict?”
The researchers also had the women complete physical exams which included:
- Blood analysis
- Ultrasounds of the carotid arteries
- Body mass index measurements
The Results of Not Getting Your Needs Met
The study found that those who self-silenced and didn’t share their needs or wishes had more indicators of heart disease. These self-silencers had more plaque lining their carotid arteries compared to those who did not self-silence. One cautionary note is that the research doesn’t presume causation between the two. Just because the women who self-silenced also had problems related to heart disease, doesn’t necessarily mean that self-silencing caused the heart disease in those women. There could be one or more third variables that caused these health issues.
However, the research is informative. It does confirm other research regarding relationships and overall health. That is, not having quality relationships and connections with other people can lead to physical and psychological health problems in your life. We do know that stress, in general, can cause inflammation, which can, in turn, lead to heart disease.
Certainly, not getting your needs met can create stress for anybody. Therefore, if you are self-silencing, it probably isn’t helping your relationship or your health in the long-term.
Tips for Expressing Yourself
If you are struggling with self-silencing behaviors, the good news is that you can develop better self-expression skills. Here’s how:
- Practice speaking up in little ways at first. These should not be big, sit-down, hot topic conversations. Rather discuss smaller issues that arise during the day.
- During these practice interactions, aim for low-pressure situations where the risk is low and very little is at stake. They don’t need to happen at the perfect moment, just times when you know the discussion won’t escalate.
- At a comfortable pace, gradually start speaking up in higher pressure situations over time. The more practice you get, the easier it will be to express your needs and not self-silence.
- If you are not experiencing much progress speaking up with your partner or there are other obstacles that are preventing you from expressing your needs and feelings, it’s important to get professional help. Many skilled therapists can help you overcome obstacles that prevent you from taking care of your needs and help improve your assertiveness.
Clearly, stress does have an impact on your health. Although we can’t say conclusively that self-silencing behaviors cause heart disease, we do know that it is harmful to a relationship. Aim to freely express yourself and your needs with your partner. Practicing in low-risk situations can help develop this skill.
However, if you find you are still having trouble, please consider reaching out to a therapist for individual relationship counseling.