Many couples struggle with engaging in healthy communication practices. Unhealthy communication can lead to conflict over finances, division of labor for household tasks, extended family problems, and several other issues. Even those proficient with talking about those topics will typically not be confident talking about intimacy issues in the bedroom. Those who do talk about sexuality often focus on libido mismatches instead of the quality of the sex life itself.
Very few couples reach an advanced stage in their relationship where they feel comfortable talking about sexual desires and needs. However, research is finding that there is a direct connection between sexual communication and relationship satisfaction.
Research into Sexual Communication and Satisfaction
In a study focused on sexual and relationship satisfaction, 1,600 newlywed heterosexual couples were surveyed by researchers at Brigham Young University in Utah. The results showed that 49% of wives and 87% of husbands reported consistently experiencing an orgasm during sex. Interestingly, 43% of husbands did not recognize how often their wives reached orgasm during sex. Also, the husbands’ sexual satisfaction was correlated to their perception of their wives’ orgasm. The more husbands perceived that their wives’ did orgasm, the higher the percentage of reported sexual satisfaction by the husbands.
For both the husbands and wives, relationship satisfaction was connected to sexual communication. If there was a high level of sexual communication reported, then there were also higher levels of relationship satisfaction for both spouses.
What This Means for Men and Women
The bottom line is that communication about sex is important for overall relationship satisfaction. In addition, the frequency of the wives’ orgasm was tied to both female and male sexual satisfaction. In other words, not only does sexual satisfaction improve for women the more they orgasm, but also male sexual satisfaction increased as their perception of their female partner achieving orgasm increased. This makes logical sense since men tend to feel virile or potent with the knowledge that they are providing pleasure for their partner. This knowledge, in turn, heightens their sexual experience as well.
Tips to Work on Sexual Communication
Consider these tips for working on your sexual communication.
1. Honestly assess where you and your partner are with healthy communication. If you can’t talk about basic topics such as household chores without consistently ending up in a huge conflict, then you’re clearly not ready to start talking about your sex life.
2. Aim to improve your communication by trying the steps outlined here in “How This One Simple Tip Can Turn a Destructive Fight Into a Productive Dialogue.”
3. If you and your partner have successfully talked about other more difficult problems in your relationship, then it may make sense to address your sex life.
4. Start by having a conversation that is open, honest, and judgment-free. This will allow both of you to talk freely about your genuine feelings on the issue.
5. Give one another permission to start talking about the details of your sex life. These include both of your desires, needs, and what you would like to see differently in your sex lives.
6. If you get stuck when talking about your sex life and the conversation goes south, don’t hesitate to reach out to a skilled couples counselor. They can help guide you both in the right direction to having a better dialogue about your sex life.
What we are learning from research actually makes a lot of sense.
Couples who feel connected, close, and able to have open healthy dialogues about their sex life, will see those benefits in their relationship. It’s important then for couples to build strong communication skills. However, if they are struggling to talk even about simple topics, it will be hard to address sexual concerns. Practicing the above tips will help.
Still, if you find you continue to struggle, do not hesitate to ask for help from a therapist who is skilled in couples counseling.