Very few of us actually enjoy being in an argument with someone we care about. We find such situations stressful and nerve-wracking. However, some find that arguing with their partner is so stressful they will, in turn, try to find any way to end the argument altogether rather than continue the discussion. This phenomenon is an example of conflict avoidance.
In my experience working with couples, at least one partner in a relationship is very often a conflict avoider. Their behavior creates a pattern that can become problematic for the couple. This is commonly a big reason why they end up in couples counseling. Consider why conflict avoidance is such a problem.
What Does Conflict Avoidance Look Like?
When their partner approaches them with an issue, a conflict avoider will typically act in one of several ways. They will often apologize, accommodate, or agree with their partner. Frequently they will apologize quickly or simply agree with their partner in order to prevent the conversation from escalating into an argument. In fact, they will do whatever they can to avoid an argument from occurring.
Alternatively, a conflict avoider will literally refuse to participate in the conversation and sometimes simply walk out of the room to avoid a potential conflict. This is called stonewalling. It’s known as one of the Four Horsemen of the (Relationship) Apocalypse, which John Gottman coined to describe four behaviors that ultimately destroy relationships.
What Causes Conflict Avoidance?
Conflict avoidance occurs due to uncomfortable feelings being stirred up in someone when a disagreement occurs. These uncomfortable feelings exist because the person has likely experienced some type of past trauma or upsetting incident at some point prior in their life. Experiencing a previous chaotic or abusive relationship is one reason why you might be responding in a way that exhibits conflict avoidance. Perhaps a former partner would get heated very quickly during an argument, or even become physically violent.
Childhood trauma can also be activated when you are in conflict with someone close to you as an adult. As a child, you may have had a parent that would seem to get “out of control” even with minor disagreements.
Alternatively, you may have been raised in a sterile environment where you never witnessed your parents in even a very minor disagreement. These experiences are all possible reasons why some people are very uncomfortable with conflict and attempt to avoid it whenever possible.
The Cost of Conflict Avoidance
There are tremendous costs of conflict avoidance in a relationship. In addition to preventing couples from engaging in any effective communication, there is a real danger that unresolved issues can fester and cause irreconcilable differences. In these more severe cases, couples will experience the insidious fallout from stonewalling. Ongoing severe conflict avoidance will ultimately be destructive to a relationship and doom it to failure. As an aside, partners can also become at risk of experiencing health problems when their relationship stress is very high.
“Even Milder Conflict Avoidance Hurts Relationships”
However, it’s important to recognize there are also significant costs to even milder forms of conflict avoidance. Conflict avoiders don’t reveal their true feelings to their partner. This significantly limits the opportunity for emotional connection. In addition, and perhaps even more importantly, conflict avoiders also don’t get their own needs met in a relationship. Out of fear of engaging their partner or as the result of long-standing disconnection from their own needs and desires, conflict avoiders often have shallow and relatively unfulfilling relationships.
What to Do if You are a Conflict Avoider or in a Relationship with One
1. The conflict avoider needs to work through any past events that have caused them to shy away from conflict. This usually will mean attending individual counseling in addition to couples counseling. Conflict avoiders need to improve their tolerance of distressing feelings and also be able to express their feelings and needs appropriately.
2. Couples counseling is an important way to improve their communication and work on communicating in healthy ways.
3. Couples must learn that conflict can actually become an opportunity to deepen their relationship by fostering mutual understanding of one another’s feelings, desires, and concerns. This occurs by allowing each partner to express themselves and feel listened to. It may be helpful to think about it as having a healthy dialogue over some differences instead of having a fight or argument.
The truth? We are not born skilled at communicating, especially when we are in the throes of intense disagreement. Couples need to practice discussing their differences. They must learn to tolerate difficult conversations to deepen their relationship. You can do this with the help of individual and couples counseling. With that support and some hard work, you and our partner can shift from conflict-avoidant to actually become conflict-resilient.