You’ve been at home with your partner for three months now. Both of you are still working from home if, of course, you still have a job. If so, then both of you may be tending to extra work during the typical workday with the added duty of juggling how to care for your children.
So, despite spending a lot more time in the same space with your partner, how connected are you? The pandemic has certainly caused stress levels to skyrocket, which can take a toll on relationships.
When You See the Good and the Bad
Therapist and author, Esther Perel, describes the situation well. She says in an interview with the New Yorker:
“I think, in general, when people live in acute stress, either the cracks in their relationship will be amplified or the light that shines through the cracks will be amplified. You get an amplification of the best and of the worst.”
This, of course, is similar to periods when you are dealing with something stressful like a job loss or recovering from a serious illness. These losses can certainly impact your relationship. If you are lucky enough to be in an emotionally connected relationship, you and your partner are likely able to rely on one another for support.
However, if you have been emotionally distant and drifting away from your partner, you not only won’t feel like you can rely on them, but it may not even occur to you to reach out to one another during this pandemic. Unfortunately, the stressors of the unstable world we are all in will probably only pull you further away from your partner.
Limited Social Connections
Now, back in our pandemic world where we’ve largely been under stay-at-home orders for three months with our partner. We have had to forgo interacting with friends or even coworkers. Zoom calls are better than nothing, but they are not the same as face-to-face encounters. You’re now having more day-to-day contact with your partner than you ever have before and are simultaneously no longer experiencing social contact with others. And if under the current stress you are emotionally distant from one another, then the likelihood of conflict and dissatisfaction between the two of you will only increase.
Creating Structure
How can we ensure that the relationship with our partner is moving in a healthy direction? It starts with how we create structure in our lives that helps ease our anxiety.
Esther Perel sums it up well:
“I think that, really, what is essential at this moment, especially when we have just one person to give us what an entire village should be providing, is that we create boundaries, routines, and rituals.
Creating structure can mean establishing a daily schedule for both of you. Pencil in free time to be together. Have a morning or evening ritual to begin and end each day. Establish separate workspaces that are designated for each of you. Find time to play, exercise, and have fun.
Dating During the Pandemic
So, another interesting note is that dating relationships have also dramatically been affected by the quarantine as well. But do they experience the same relationship accelerators as other relationships? Yes and no; dating relationships have on the one hand been returning to more traditional values by elongating the time frame before meeting in person.
This means slowing things down when it comes to some aspects of the relationship, instead of the typical pace before the pandemic. However, because of this there also tends to be pressure to decide whether to continue with the relationship sooner rather than later. In that regard, dating during the pandemic is also somewhat of an accelerator. Many new relationships appear to need to define their relationship a lot earlier than they would’ve naturally done so otherwise.
Steps to Accelerate Relationships in Healthy Direction
- For established relationships, it’s important to set boundaries and routines as Esther Perel describes in your household. In addition, try following these steps.
- Communicating effectively is especially important. Do you know how to productively raise a sensitive relationship issue?
- Deescalate conflict. How skilled are you and your partner at de-escalating when there this a conflict between the two of you? Can you determine when things go off the rails, and know how to get back on track?
- Repair the damage. The healthiest couples tend to be very skilled at repairing their connection after conflict.
If you or your partner are struggling with the steps above don’t wait to receive the needed help. Attend couples counseling before problems become more entrenched.