Most of us know that one couple you can never keep straight: are they broken up or together? These “on-again-off-again” couples are fairly common. Yet, I imagine that it can be tough to be friends with these volatile couples. Their relationship status can vary from week-to-week.
New research from the University of Missouri shows that this kind of relationship dysfunction can be harmful to both partners’ mental health. The research indicates that more than 60% of adults have been in one of these on-again-off-again relationships. Also, 1/3rd of couples living together have experienced this kind of phenomenon before.
Studying the On-Again-Off-Again Pattern
Kale Monk, one of the researchers, noted that partners who break up and then “make up” again are not necessarily doomed. However, he does say:
“Partners who are routinely breaking up and getting back together could be negatively impacted by the pattern.”
This research studied data from 500 people who were in a relationship. They were specifically interested in the connection between frequent breakups and psychological distress. They found that a pattern of relationship instability was associated with higher states of anxiety, depression, and emotional instability.
Needing to Go Deeper
Monk also says that “People who find themselves regularly breaking up and getting back together with their partners need to ‘look under the hood’ of their relationships.” This makes sense, as most likely, many of these couples have never stepped back to consider why they are in this constant rut.
One other possibility, needing further study, is whether the mental health problems affecting each partner are caused by frequent breakups. Or, are partners who end up in these on-again-off-again relationships more emotionally unstable naturally? However you look at it, these relationships need a great deal of support if they are to succeed.
Tips for Struggling Couples
Monk does offer the following tips dealing with this on-again-off-again pattern. They include:
- Before deciding whether to reconcile, determine if the reasons for the original breakup were about issues consistently present in your relationship. In other words, have these issues ever been addressed successfully? Or were they resolved and new problems uncovered, leading to multiple breakups in the relationship?
- Communicate with your partner about the reasons for the breakup and work towards a resolution of those issues.
- Try to understand why the desire to reconcile exists for each of you. Is it connected to longtime feelings for your partner, or other factors? There may be financial reasons or concerns that children will be impacted.
- Remember that it’s OK to leave a toxic relationship. A toxic relationship only makes it harder to have any kind of real connection. Remember too that a toxic relationship doesn’t always have to involve abuse. Codependent relationships are just as toxic and problematic for both partners.
- If there are any issues involving safety, address those issues before moving forward with other issues. Without safety, there is no room to capably address the deeper issues you may be struggling with.
- Couples therapy is an option for couples who want to break this on-again-off-again cycle. However, it’s important to note that sometimes the best solution for both partners is to break up for good.
If you are worried that your relationship may fit this unhealthy pattern, consider the tips mentioned above. However, if they do not prove helpful, don’t hesitate to reach out for singles counseling. Even if the relationship doesn’t succeed, it’s more important that you protect both your physical and mental health. Ultimately, it’s better to understand yourself than stay in an unhealthy relationship.