Household chores are notoriously one of the major sources of conflict for couples. How tasks are divided can lead to resentment and disconnection. This not only makes it harder for couples to complete these tasks, but it can also damage the relationship.
Why Washing the Dishes Matters
Recent research from Carson, Miller, and Sassler found that doing the dishes is the most feared of all chores. Most importantly, for some couples, the need to share the task of doing the dishes takes on a greater importance than sharing other housework. They also found in relationships where women are solely responsible for the dishes, there is less relationship satisfaction and sex frequency compared to those couples who shared the task.
Why does this phenomenon occur? Women feel taken advantage of when they are 100% responsible for completing this task. Many people alive today remember seeing their mothers taking on the burden of housework growing up, including the dishes. They feel taken advantage of by their husbands and that they are taking them for granted.
The research shows that for relationships where doing the dishes is a shared task and divided up throughout the week, satisfaction with both the relationship and sex life improves.
How Resentment Causes Damage
Intuitively, this makes sense. If there is increased resentment from the woman, this inevitably leads to more conflict and stress. Stress is destructive for relationship satisfaction and is not compatible with sexual libido. It often leads to a noticeable decrease in sexual interest. This situation is in contrast to when she feels her husband is helping out and doing his share of the work. She will, in turn, feel more at ease and this leads to greater relationship satisfaction.
Heterosexual vs. Homosexual Couples
It is heterosexual couples that have to tackle the issue of old-fashioned norms regarding gender and dividing household chores. Or, they can choose a more egalitarian approach. Younger couples are now more than ever sharing chores. Even younger couples that follow more traditional gender roles are more frequently sharing housework.
Interestingly, heterosexual couples can learn from homosexual couples about this issue. This is because homosexual couples do not have to follow old-fashioned gender norms. Thus, they typically divide the chores in a more egalitarian manner.
Communication and Household Chores
How a couple can divide chores varies on preference and other factors. The ability of a couple to divide household tasks effectively is a sign of how healthy their relationship is in general. Those who are able to come to an equitable agreement tend to have more satisfying relationships.
Tips for Dividing Household Tasks
For couples that are struggling with sharing chores, consider these ideas:
- If your current arrangement isn’t working, schedule a time to meet and discuss improving the division of labor.
- It’s important to communicate personal preferences. Perhaps you like to do laundry while your partner prefers to sweep and vacuum. If both of you dislike a chore it makes sense to find an equitable way to divide the work between you.
- Consider alternating who does what every other week or day for certain tasks.
- It’s important not to hold your partner accountable to your own personal standard for how a chore is done. If you feel invested in how specifically a task is done, consider taking on this chore for yourself.
- If you and your partner wind up getting stuck it is important to get professional help. This will prevent resentments surrounding this issue from building up over time and causing further damage to the relationship.
Deciding on how to divide chores is not just important for the sake of getting these tasks done. It is also an exercise in practicing both effective communication and listening skills. Those couples who excel in these areas will experience greater relationship satisfaction.
However, if you and your partner are struggling with sharing chores, consider the suggestions above. Also, don’t hesitate to seek couples counseling if you still feel stuck on this issue and need further guidance.