Recovering the Love
When Kacey got up Jay was already gone. She knew he’d be back after she went to sleep. She hardly ever saw him anymore. He was off with the guys, or out at a bar. She wasn’t sure, but she thought sometimes he was with other women. When he was home he had a beer in his hand and the TV on. They never talked any more. They never laughed. She took care of the kids, and did the shopping and paid the bills, but the only intimacy in marriage she experienced was washing out his boxers and matching his socks. She’d heard about rebuilding relationships, but as far as she could tell there wasn’t any marriage to rebuild.
She cried a lot. Sometimes she let herself remember what it was like when she and Jay were just starting. Back then anything seemed possible, and the two of them seemed to move in a cloud of love…intimacy in marriage wasn’t a problem then, it was just how things were.
One day she knew she had to do something. She went to the computer and began to Google for counseling in her town.
Many people think there’s no point putting in the effort it takes rebuilding relationships. Some think counseling does no good, others believe that once a relationship goes sour there’s no coming back whatever you do. Kacey didn’t intend to just leave it like that, though. She was no quitter.
Can counseling really help me rebuild relationships and recover intimacy in marriage?
Yes. Not everyone, and not in all cases, but thousands of couples have been helped by couples counseling.
What about if I have to go alone?
Many people have no choice but to begin couples counseling alone. Often spouses only choose to join only when they begin to see differences in their partners. A counselor can assist you in your situation, and can prepare you for the changes to come. There are multiple paths that can lead to rebuilding relationships.
Kacey went for a long time alone to her counseling…but it did make a difference. Her counselor helped her see the ways she was contributing to damaging her marriage, and the ways she could help rebuilding relationships. Better still, he helped her see she had choices and control, too. She began to change how she was living her life, and soon Jay wanted to know and be part of the process, too. It wasn’t quick and it wasn’t easy, but eventually they found new intimacy in marriage and found a new joy in each other.
Can you be as strong and as assertive as Kacey? Can you bring yourself to take the risk and find help? It can change your life, and rebuild your relationships. Make a phone call and start the long path to renewed life and renewed intimacy in marriage. It’s worth all the courage you have.
Struggling to get your partner to listen? Try this…
Struggling to get your partner to listen? Try this…
Does This Sound Familiar?
John had turned his head and wished he were ANYWHERE in the world but in his kitchen listening to his wife Robin rant at him. “Why don’t you EVER…”
He had stopped hearing any of her words before she finished the first sentence of her diatribe. John did, however, most certainly recognize her tone of voice: critical, angry, frustrated and desperate. He had unfortunately heard it many times before. John’s body grew more tense and he suddenly yelled “And all YOU ever do is criticize and nag me. I’ve had ENOUGH!” Realizing his reply would only serve to intensify their argument, John regretted it for a quick moment and then braced himself for Robin’s retort. “Well that suits me fine. Why don’t you just get OUT!
Oh, a Soft Start-Up! Why didn’t I think of that?
Well, mostly because John Gottman did! In his research studying real couples (NOT actors on TV) under video surveillance in his “apartment laboratory,” Gottman discovered that happy and healthy couples acted differently than couples in relationship distress. Happy and healthy couples still argue, maintains Gottman, but do so very differently! One of the important ways these couples differ from their unhappy counterparts is the WAY one partner brings up or initiates a discussion. In the example above, Gottman would refer to the way Robin raised her concerns with John as a Hard Start-Up! This is in stark contrast to a Soft Start-Up which is a gentle, non-attacking, and more collaborative way of bringing up issues with a partner.
That sounds nice, but HOW exactly do I use a Soft Start-Up?
In contrast to Hard Start-ups used often by unhealthy couples in some level of distress, the Soft Start-Up is one of the hallmarks of healthy and happy couples. Follow these steps to initiate a Soft Start-Up:
1. Start the discussion with a positive statement of some kind (if possible). If relevant, acknowledge efforts made by your partner regarding one aspect of main topic.
2. Use “I” statements where you are speaking from your perspective and your feelings.
3. Recognize that your perspective is only one way of viewing the issue(s). Your partner may have a very different perspective and may not even be aware that a problem exists. In fact, there’s even a chance your partner may be more than happy to address your concern!
4. State your concerns directly, but in a respectful, non-attacking, and collaborative manner.
5. If your concern is addressed or your request is granted by your partner, show your appreciation!
Timing is everything
While following the above steps may help create a more productive dialogue between you and your partner, it is NOT the only determining factor. Choosing the right time to approach your partner may end up being just as critical as how you do so. So, what constitutes “the right time”?
The best opportunity to raise issues is when both partners: aren’t pressured, are in a relatively stress-free situation, and have energy for a discussion. Even more importantly, it is critical that both partners are NOT currently emotionally triggered. If one partner is too angry or upset, any subsequent discussion almost certainly will be counter-productive. (Gottman refers to this tendency as emotional flooding.)
Wait! I have some more questions about Soft Start-Ups
But I thought it was healthy to express my emotions. Why can’t I just vent?
While it is healthy to express yourself, expressing your frustrations by venting to your partner is NOT healthy for your relationship. It is much more productive for your relationship to follow the steps above that constitute a soft start-up. What happens when someone angrily vents their emotions, their partner rarely can hear any of the content and the only thing that gets communicated is the fact that their partner is angry!
OK, so what happens if I use a soft start-up and I become angry in the middle of it?
This is really an important question. Anytime one or both partners become too emotionally upset, it is critical that at least one partner recognize this and suggest they take a break. Otherwise the dialogue that ensues will be counter-productive and usually will create more distance in the relationship. However, when deciding to take a break, it is important that the couple agree on a future time to continue the discussion when both partners are calmed down and ready to complete the conversation.
My partner never listens anyway, why should I even try?
Well, one reason why it may appear your partner is not listening is because you may have used a Hard Start-up. Remember when heated emotions are involved the only thing that gets communicated is the fact that someone is upset. The person’s issue or concern usually gets completely lost in the process.
I’ve tried an approach pretty similar to a Soft Start-Up and it went nowhere?
I would first suggest paying attention to the timing of when you initiate a Soft Start-Up with your partner. However, if you have repeatedly done so with poor results and your relationship concerns are unresolved, it may be time to seek professional help with a couples therapist.
Let’s see what a Soft Start-Up actually looks like
Remember Robin and John? Robin realized her prior attempts to bring up issues with John were not only unsuccessful (see top of article), but proved to actually deepen the tension with John. So, she tried a new approach (soft startup) which did prove to be more successful:
Robin found John relaxing in the living room.
Robin: Oh… John, I wanted to thank you for taking care of that mess in the garage.
John: Sure. I’m glad that’s done.
R: If you have a minute, I wanted to talk to you about the kitchen.
J: What’s up?
R: Well, I’ve been feeling very frustrated and overwhelmed after coming home from work and seeing dishes scattered all over the kitchen. Is there a way you could help me out by making a point of putting the dishes into the dishwasher before I get home?
J: Robin, I’m not sure if you realize it, but those dishes are mostly the kids’ dishes – they’ve been slacking on their chores lately.
R: Oh, I didn’t realize that. Could you then get on them to put their dishes in the dishwasher?
J: Yeah, I could do that. I guess I haven’t been doing it ALL the time myself. I can do better myself.
R: Great. I’d really appreciate that.
Summing up the Soft Start-UP
1. Choose the right time – relatively stress-free situation.
2. Start with positive statement.
3. Use “I” statements.
4. State issue directly and respectfully.
5. Show appreciation to your partner.
6. Remember to take a break if either partner is too upset & reschedule discussion.
Struggling to recover from your last knock-down-drag-out?
Struggling to recover from your last knock-down-drag-out?
Oh, No… Not again!
Susan and Bill just finished having another major argument. Following their usual pattern, they each went to their own “side” of the house to be away from their partner. They both needed time to cool down before interacting. Once they settled down, they started interacting again, but subsequent conversations occurred only out of necessity. They were both hurt and reeling from their 4th major argument of the month, wondering if this was the beginning of the end of their marriage. Bill felt bad for attacking Susan and didn’t really mean what he had yelled at her. Susan’s frustration with Bill had reached its peak in this argument. Only now she wishes she would have approached her concerns a little differently. Not knowing a way how to bring up the issues without re-igniting the same conflict again, they both pretended the argument never happened while knowing inside how great a toll it has taken on their relationship. If they only knew a good way to address their partner in order to discuss their issues without causing more fireworks…
What do “the Masters” do?
Some might begin to wonder if “the relationship masters” – or healthy and happy couples – even have arguments that they need to recover from. The reality is that these masters do fight and some may even fight as often as those who struggle in their relationship. The main difference between the masters and everyone else is how they fight and how they recover from their disagreements (if they even end up trying to do so). When one partner makes an effort to recover from a recent disagreement or conflict it can be said that they are making a repair attempt. A repair attempt is any communication, verbal or sometimes even non-verbal, that tries to address the rift and begins the recovery process of restoring the relationship connection which was lost as a result of the fight. Repair attempts seem to come almost second nature to these “relationship masters.” In contrast, many couples who struggle in their relationship often just wait until they appear to forget about the fight and pretend it never happened.
Count Four Ways to Repair
There are almost countless ways to make a repair attempt; however, they all share one commonality. Repair attempts all steer the conversation away from the typical attack-defend mode in arguments. This occurs when participants begin to take a step back, regroup, and address their partner differently. Here are some examples of various types of repair attempts:
Apologizing
- “My reactions were too extreme. Sorry.”
- “Let me try again.”
- “I can see my part in all this.”
- “I’m sorry. Please forgive me.”
“I” Statements
- “I’m feeling unappreciated.”
- “I don’t feel like you understand me right now.”
- “I need your support right now.”
- “I feel blamed. Can you rephrase that?”
Acknowledging Partner
- “You’re starting to convince me.”
- “I never thought of things that way.”
- “I agree with part of what you’re saying.”
- “I think your point of view makes sense.”
Showing Appreciation
- “I know this isn’t your fault.”
- “That’s a good point.”
- “Thank you for…”
- “I see what you’re talking about.”
When should I try this?
John Gottman has talked about the recovery or repair efforts as a 3 step process. The first step is to be able to learn to repair after the disagreement or argument. This can mean five minutes or five days after the fight. As you’ll see in a moment, the sooner the repair attempt(s) occur, the healthier for the relationship. In fact, when one is able to repair during the fight, that is even more ideal and is what Gottman calls the 2nd step in the process. In this step, as soon as a conversation begins to turn south or becomes adversarial, couples can attempt to change course by utilizing repair attempts. The 3rd and final step in the process represents a way of discussing or dialoguing about issues. This last step is about how couples process or discuss issues, problems, and differences of opinion. Instead of the more common adversarial nature of attack-defend arguments, couples begin to discuss issues in a collaborative way which never lets the conversation turn negative. It should be noted that 99% of “the masters” in relationships spend some of their time in step1 and step 2 (they are NOT always able to dialogue as described in step 3). Even “the masters” are not perfect!
Hold on! I have a few Q’s about this Repair Stuff
What if I’m too angry to make a repair attempt?
That’s a very important question! Research has shown that when we are too upset or agitated we do a very poor job of processing information. Hence when too angry or emotional, we will not be able to fully understand our partner’s perspective. When this happens we have two options. If you are able to catch and recognize your agitation/anger in the midst of an argument, one option is to communicate that to your partner as a repair attempt itself (“Please help me calm down.”). Otherwise, it would be wise to calm yourself down before making a repair attempt.
What if I feel I’m right? Shouldn’t I wait for my partner to make a repair attempt?
Making a repair attempt does not mean your partner is 100% “right.” Remember, the purpose of a repair attempt is to simply change the adversarial way issues are discussed. And perhaps more importantly, when couples become focused on being “right” instead of having a harmonious relationship, then the relationship usually loses. Therefore, even if you believe strongly in your position, you can soften the conversation by making a repair attempt (which could simply be acknowledging that you contributed to the adversarial discussion/fight).
How do I know that making a repair attempt won’t start the same fight all over again?
Unfortunately, there is no guarantee. However, if you are sincerely focused on changing the negative interaction when making the repair attempt, there is a good chance that your effort will lead to a softening of the conversation (and even a repair attempt in response). If repeated repair attempts do not lead to a more collaborative conversation between you and your partner, it may be time to seek professional assistance with a couples therapist.
Recovery in Action
Suppose Susan and Bill (from beginning of article) tried something different than pretending their arguments didn’t happen. It could have gone like this after their fight:
Bill: Susan, I really blew that one. I reacted too extreme. Sorry.
Susan: Thank you for admitting that.
Bill: I had a hard day at work and should have just asked you for some support instead of attacking you that way.
Susan: The reality is I actually agree with part of you were saying.
Bill: Let’s see if we can find a compromise that works for both of us.
Bill and Susan give each other a hug & kiss.
It should become clear that repair attempts can become contagious. One will often lead to another! And soon enough, although the problem may not necessarily be solved, a more collaborative conversation will replace the negative, adversarial one.
Summing up Repair Attempts
1. Repair attempts are effective ways of recovering from an argument.
2. They can assist a couple to move from an attack-defend adversarial conversation to a more collaborative and productive one.
3. Repair attempts tend to be contagious
4. The goal is to first be able to recover after an argument, then to do so during an argument, and at times to even eventually dialogue without ever engaging in an adversarial conversation.
Suffering Because Your Goodwill Account is Running on Empty?
Suffering Because Your Goodwill Account is Running on Empty?
Hold on to Your Fork!
Have you ever heard of the following saying?
“If you dislike someone you can be annoyed simply by how they hold their fork. But if you like someone it would hardly matter if they dump their dinner on your lap.”
This saying is truly an accurate reflection of how things work in relationships. If we are feeling close, connected and loving towards our partner, we are very likely to give them the benefit of the doubt. However, when we are more distant, disconnected or having frequent arguments, there’s very little chance we’d let them slide at all (especially if their dinner somehow ended up on our lap!).
What’s the balance in Your Emotional Bank Account?
One way of identifying how close or connected we are with our partner is to examine the status of our emotional bank account. This term, originated by John Gottman, basically tells us if we doing the little things in our relationship that bring us close (when our emotional accounts are “full”) or if we have experienced more distance & disconnectedness (if our account is close to empty). A similar term used by Gottman, Positive Sentiment Override refers to the state in a relationship where couples view their partner and their partner’s actions through a positive filter. This positive filter exists because of the closeness and high ratio of positive to negative interactions that exists in the relationship. This is in stark contrast to having a negative sentiment override where couples unfortunately view one another through a negative filter.
Do You “Turn Toward” Your Partner?
There are numerous ways to fill your emotional bank account and accrue savings for your relationship future. Surprisingly, they do not (necessarily) involve romantic weekend getaways or buying lavish gifts for your partner. In fact, they actually involve the little interactions in relationships that connect you with your partner. For example, when you and your partner have a conversation about running out of light bulbs while in the hardware store, you are actually filling your emotional bank account. What may appear mundane is actually very important to your relationship. Leaving a 30 second voicemail with words of support at your partner’s work is another example of how to feed your emotional bank account. Engaging your partner in small conversations and leaving them voicemails are ways of making a bid for affection, conversation, humor or support from your partner. When you make such a bid, your partner can either turn toward or turn away from your request. In satisfying and stable relationships, couples are often turning toward their partner. According to Gottman, when there is a 20:1 or greater ratio of positive to negative interactions in your relationship, you have entered the state of positive sentiment override. However, when this ratio is less than 5:1, you are unfortunately experiencing a negative sentiment override in your relationship that is statistically far less likely to be stable.
Why This Matters
Couples who turn toward one another rather quickly fill up their emotional bank account, which makes a tremendous difference in your relationship. It not only creates the positive sentiment override (where couples experience a positive filter when viewing the past, present & future in their relationship), but it also allows the relationship to utilize this emotional savings to assist them in times of stress or conflict. However, the biggest impact that occurs when couples turn toward one another consistently might be in how it contributes to a long-lasting romance.
Think of it this way: Turning toward your partner consistently is like keeping the pilot light lit during the day so that the romantic fire can burn easily at night!
Got Questions?
My partner and I have been avoiding one another for a while now and it’s getting lonely. What can I do to change that?
If you and your partner have been distant for an extended time, your relationship is most likely in a state of negative sentiment override. In order to overcome this distance, I would suggest starting to make bids for connection in very small ways with the hope that your partner turns toward you in order to start filling your emotional bank account. Also, do not ignore your partner’s attempts to connect with you.
What should I do if my partner turns away from me when I bid for connection or attention?
The first step is to review the ways you are making bids for connection and see if there are other (little) ways that you can try to connect. If these attempts don’t help you connect with your partner, it may be time to seek professional assistance from a couples counselor.
You mentioned the significance of the ratio of positive to negative interactions in relationships. Should I be keeping track of every interaction?
No, it’s not necessary to calculate your exact ratio. However, it is important to become aware of all the various opportunities to engage in positive interactions and then to make bids for connection as frequently as possible.
Every time my partner or I try to have any meaningful discussion, we end up arguing and get nowhere. Is there any way we can build our emotional bank account?
Building your emotional bank account in your relationship cannot realistically take place when you are both often upset with one another. The first place to start is to begin making repair attempts (see other article) by taking responsibility for some aspect of the disagreement. If successful, then you could start to make bids for connection and build your emotional bank account. If that does not help, it is likely time to seek professional help with a couples counselor.
Example From My Practice
One couple in my practice who I have been working with for about 8 months recently spoke of an interaction they had at a party they were hosting. The husband had discovered in the middle of the party that his wife did not get the leaky faucet repaired. He had assumed that she had already taken care of it. So, in the middle of the party, after discovering it still leaked, he said to her “You really need to get this fixed this week.” The wife said very little at the time. However, the next morning he had realized his comment might have been taken the wrong way so he asked her how she took it. The wife said it didn’t faze her at all.
After working with this couple for 8 months, they had already made fairly dramatic progress. In doing so, they had effectively filled up their emotional bank account. As a result, it never occurred to her that his comment could have even been interpreted in a negative way. It could be said that the wife gave the husband the benefit of the doubt, except that their emotional savings was so “full” she never even saw any possible negative intentions he may have had. Interestingly, if the same comment would have been made at the beginning of our work together (when their emotional bank account was near empty), it would have almost certainly caused a significant argument.
In Summary, How Do I Make A Deposit?
1. Be mindful of all those little everyday, “mundane” moments. These are golden opportunities to have a positive interaction and turn toward your partner.
2. Build your emotional bank account balance by not only making bids to connect to your partner, but also ensure that you turn toward your partner when they try to connect with you!
3. Remember that the higher the ratio of positive to negative interactions (preferably 20:1 or greater) will bring your relationship into a state of positive sentiment override which research shows strongly increases relationship satisfaction.
4. Lastly, don’t forget to keep your “pilot lit” consistently by connecting to your partner in order to build a long lasting romance!
Surviving Infidelity
Surviving Infidelity
Fool me twice, shame on me!
That’s what Sinead shouted as she stormed out the door of her home. Mark had finally admitted it: he’d been sleeping with a woman he’d met through work, a customer he’d known for years. “That’s it,” she snarled as she climbed into the car. “Once is all you get: no second chances.” After all, some things are just the end, aren’t they? Where do you even begin surviving infidelity?
A common catastrophe.
Statistics on infidelity indicate that approximately 60% of men and 40% of women will have an affair at some time during their married lives. Unless you accept that both partners are unfaithful that means most marriages will have to cope with infidelity at some time. Statistics also indicate that 71% of marriages suffering from infidelity stay married. If marriages were not capable of surviving infidelity, almost no marriages could survive. But that doesn’t mean any of us know immediately how to rebuild trust.
No one wants to feel like a sucker, and forgiving a straying spouse and moving on from there is difficult. Learning how to rebuild trust is a process: one that takes courage, honesty on both sides, the strength and maturity to live with discipline, and lots of support not only within a marriage but outside. How do you learn? Where do you start? There are many ways and many places: community and church counselors, twelve-step groups, therapists. The possibilities are almost endless. If you want to get an overview many organizations can help, as can your library. Even a good self-help book can give you enough of an overview to sense where to go for further help.
Making a crucial choice…
But isn’t it just better to quit now, you may ask. If a spouse will cheat once, then why not again? And again?
Some spouses will never stop. But many can and will learn from their mistakes…and a marriage which has healed from a mistake can be stronger than one which was never tested. You alone can decide if learning how to rebuild trust is worth it or not. But if it is, don’t let fear or pessimism stop you from trying.
What about the cheater? Shouldn’t he or she be doing something?
Yes! But in many cases the healing must start with the partner who was injured. Only as the betrayed partner finds strength and voice can the two start to work together to create a better bond. And if the betrayer can’t do that, then the injured spouse has support and strength to help deal with other choices, instead of being broken and unable to do anything but run or give up.
Strong to the core…
Sinead got lucky. She went to stay with her best friend, planning to get a divorce immediately. Her friend, though, had another friend in counseling, and the two found Sinead a great marriage counselor. It was several weeks before she was ready to consider whether her marriage was capable of surviving infidelity, but in the end she and Mark came to work together, learning how to rebuild trust and begin over again.
A marriage is a huge risk, and a huge investment. It won’t pay off though if you quit too soon without first considering whether there are other legitimate options. No one should stay with a habitual abuser, and that includes a cheating spouse. But once is not the end, and progress can happen if you both work at it.
